The Secrets Within Pages

Shattered

I was the fool once again.

There must be a name for the emptiness felt after a outburst of rage. The whirly, quiet, contemplating feeling where there is only a discomforting silence deafening you from within.

My eyelids weigh down as I stare at my shaking palms, bloody with cuts from broken glass.

I bite my cheek as a sneer grows on my face, a twitching frown. How could I have been so naive? So blind that I never saw the signs? I pride myself on my observant nature, my intellect, my good judgment and yet here I am. Where was all that now? It's as though whenever my gaze caught his all rationality, all sense diminished and I was left defenseless.

I betrayed my own safety, the walls that I had worked so hard to keep up high, to protect myself and yet, I abandoned it all and let him bewitch me.

The shafts of blinding self-loathing that I thought were buried, the raging wrath I believed I overcame, the sinking discontentment and gut-wrenching fear of failure that I was sure was gone revealed themselves in a wicked, mocking kaleidoscope. I desperately scrambled to grasp onto the withering parts of my sanity, to keep a semblance of myself afloat, to not surrender to the thrashing waves that flooded my mind, threatening to take me under.

No, I couldn't.

I wouldn't let him win. Not after what he did.

He wouldn't break down my walls, make me feel safe enough to let go, to fall so deeply in love only to destroy every part of me I thought he'd fixed... and win.

No.

He didn't get to win.

I bare my teeth, exerting every last bit of energy from the exhausted remains of what was left, wiped my tear-stained face and pushed myself off the ground, scattered with debris.

I lugged my feet, one leg over the other. One step at a time, toward the door and unlocked it.

"What the hell is going on?!" Yells a terrified Sonders as the receptionist sits on the ground outside the room, annoyed.

"I chased her down and knocked and knocked but she wouldn't answer. She just started crying and screaming." She desperately explains to her officer.

"Thank you, Sybil." She dismissed her, concerned eyes set on me.

"Eleanor, you're scaring me. What is wrong?" She holds me by my shoulders. "You're bleeding! What the hell happened to you, what happened to the room?!"

Her voice distorted into a faint, unintelligible noise and I looked past her, past the station, oustide- It was raining. I slowly walk toward the exit, she follows me. If she's saying something, I don't hear it.

When I reach the door, a woman slams it open with such force, it shapes a dent in the wall.

Tears stream down her face as she yells, "You fucking bastard, Waylen! How dare you?! You took them away from me."

Vivienne.

"You were my friend, our friend!" She sobs hysterically, shoving officers out of the way as she runs toward the holding prison.

Sonders runs after her.

I walk outside, leaving the chaos and fluorescent lights and into the dark, lamp-lit streets. The rain pours down, it's gentle tapping overpowers the clamour of my mind and I walk. My destination, a decision my body makes.

I cross the street, walking past closed shops and empty parks before I stop in front of a familiar terraced house. I stare at it awhile. Before, flicking open the fence and ambling in.

I pick up a rock from the ground and hurl it at the thin, glass window that embellishes the sides of the door then reaching through, I unlock it. I slowly enter, broken glass crunching underneath my shoes. I scan the walls, the tables, the rooms, the fond memories filtering through as I make my way to the kitchen. I stand where he stood that fateful day. I look at the oven he used to seal the bond we had, the one he so carelessly severed. I touch my necklace for a moment, then my fingers trail the control knobs before settling on the gas- and I twist it open.

I grab the matchsticks and walk once more around the house, reminiscing and regretting.

I bid it all farewell as I exit once more. I pick up a stick and swiftly graze it down the edge of the box- the flame so fierce and vengeful, I don't stare at it long before I toss it in the house and leap behind the car parked nearby.

Mighty flames ignited, setting the whole damned house ablaze. Every inch burning with crimson and amber as they fought to swallow it whole.

It was glorious.

I took in the hellish sight, let the heat emanating from it warm the coldness that has siezed me and I embrace the horror.

I close my eyes, listening to the screaming voices, the sirens from afar, the rain as it's soft pattering evolved into heavy downpour, thunder rumbling, threatening.

Staring at the wisps of smoke dancing off of the monstrous red, I move to walk away when strong arms grab me from behind, a hand over my mouth as I struggle and kick, elbowing them with everything I have but I slowly-

I slowly...

My eyes shut.