A true seer | Neteyam

4. Omitted truth

'Why? Why was it always me that was in deep? And it was also me who had to find a solution,' I thought to myself.

I sighed, rubbing my forehead with my fingers, hoping for some Divine move that I could use to suddenly pop in my stupid head. Stupid, idiot, fool, and somewhat unable to feel regret. I wouldn't change what I did for anything. I had mated with Neteyam as a child, considering him as my closest friend and nothing else. But, over the years, it was inevitable for a specific thought to occur, at least once, and here it was: maybe I felt something more.

Maybe it was the way he'd hug me when we saw each other after weeks of being apart. He would put his arms over mine, as I gripped his bare back with my hands, while his hands hugged my waist without any sense of awkwardness. He would often lift me off the floor, just a little, so I could be his size, his eyes connecting to mine. His charming and delicate eyes, a mix of pale green and specks of gold.

He would often carry me over his shoulder, too. Neteyam loved to use the excuse of taking me to visit a new place, only so he could carry me like that, not wanting me to feel the soil below and the change in leaves and trees. I had never missed to identify each part of the forest. After all, it was my dear home.

But that was years ago. In the forest.

As it happened, for the entire first month of my fifth year with the Metkayina I found a way to discredit my feelings for him. The worst thing was that I had, in fact, found valid points. That we were too young to make conscious actions, and every sign might as well have been a coincidence. That he told me he once liked a girl too different from me, so I wasn't his type. That I didn't like him until he wasn't with me.

When that month ended, I came to the not so astonishing conclusion that, whatever I felt, it was something irrelevant. As unimportant as a speck of sand in a beach. I couldn't waste my time understanding my heart. I had bigger problems. Problems like finding a believable excuse to refuse a mate.

"Are you done now or do I need to wait any longer for you to tell me why on Eywa's sake you don't want to mate with Atswon?" Mom finally interrupted my train of thought.

"Please, even his name sounds awful! I told you no and I don't think it really needs an explanation."

"Well, I am gonna need one. You already said no to three other guys for no apparent reason. Either you tell me something now or it's settled." She crossed her arms and started tapping her foot on the floor.

"For starters, I know nothing of the guy! Even with all my years here we have not once spoken, as incredible as it seems."

"But you did know the first three people, and if being strangers was your concern then you wouldn't have let them pass."

"What if I just don't want to be mated? That happens! Look at Parcys, the braiding lady, happily alone!" That was the key to winning any argument whatsoever, showing evidence.

That made her rage increase. She had her eyebrows frowned and her tight jaw articulating harshly. "You. Are. Too. Young. To. Decide. That. If you keep these insolent actitudes of yours we'll be out of prospects in no time," she said, like we haven't had that conversation twice. "Oel ngati kameie, ma 'ite, and I want what's best for you. Trust me. I, too, didn't want to mate when I was younger. I thought there'd never be a right love for me, and the idea of mating was too much for my heart to bear. That was until my parents arranged the mating of your father and I. It was the best that could have happened to me. Way better than being alone."

I knew she wasn't lying, but the attempt to manipulate me was as clear as the water from the sea. I would never accept, anyway. Her words didn't stop my body from reacting by itself. I breathed in deeply and exhaled with a shaky pace. I didn't want to be alone forever.

"I- I-" I saw tears forming in my eyes, obstructing my sight. Everything was blurry, and in that moment I felt like whatever I said, and whatever the consequences of it, it would never get to me through the blurriness of life. If only it was like that.

'I have a mate. Ma Neteyam.' I wanted to say. My mouth didn't move and the words only echoed in my mind.

I couldn't say that. I could never say something like that. Instead, the talk went like this:

"I'm sorry, but I can't. If I'm honest, it's pointless that you're looking for someone right now. Someone that will wait four more years for me to become a hunter. You and I both know that the mating ceremony has to happen after that.  It is the Metkayina way." My voice got quieter by the second, becoming a whisper by the end of the sentence.

I didn't enjoy lying. However, you could at least call it a 'half-truth'. Was I right about everything I said? I was. Except for the part I forgot to mention of  'oh and, by the way, if there's someone stupid enough to wait that long, it's of no use! I can't mate more than once, and my mate is on the other side of Pandora with zero chance we'll ever see each other again. How about that?'.

I considered the option of being sincere. What exactly was holding me back? There were no punishments for mating as early as I did, with someone of my own clan, specially the Olo'eyktan's son. My mind wondered. Wouldn't I be more respected if I was the literal wife of a future clan leader? Maybe there wasn't a problem at all. Had it only been my paranoid self? Then, a voice in my head responded.

'You can't tell anyone. You'll be the outcast again. A fourteen year old, mated. What if Neteyam regretted it? What if mom, after receiving the news, decided to leave the reef. To return to the forest. Your former home, yes, but leaving your dad with the Metkayina ancestors, your Tulkun, your ilu, your friends... What if you went back and Neteyam didn't remember you? Or worse, been furious at you for taking away his chance to be happy with someone he loved. Unlike you.  Just imagine his face... his yellow eyes filled with rage that was directed at you, his hands clenched in fists and his brows furrowed. Disgust? Regret? Hatred? What could possibly be on his mind?

'You're pathetic.'

Whatever intentions I had vanished quicker than what it takes to say 'kehe'.

Mom analyzed my words, as if she was tasting each of them with her mouth. Taking her time. She kept making subtle nods until she sat on top of a basket. The mauri turned cold, just like her glare became mirthless and her voice so sharp it could cut. She said something along the lines of "I see how it is" and "you'll meet the boy, then we will see" and grabbed my hand firmly, making me follow her through the mauris until we got to the breakfast area. She sat with the grown-ups and I went with Tsireya.

I wiped the wetness of my face and cleared my throat. It wasn't worth crying for. If Tsireya sensed my addled thoughts through my stone-looking face, she didn't comment on it.

It would be a long day, that is, with the meeting with Atswon dooming it to be a miserable one.

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Author's note:

Sorry for taking so long to update! My apologies. I was busy helping my grandma cook tomorrow's New Year's dinner. What will you be eating?

I know this is a short chapter, but at least has some sense to it. It took some time to figure out a reasonable why you shouldn't say anything about Neteyam, because —as I said on the first chapter— this book is as new as the ideas that are in it.

It doesn't really matter, I'll deal with it myself.

Happy Friday, cheers.