It is hard to explain how losing someone you love feels like. Even losing has different meanings. I lost dad for good, but I also lost Maitrey because of something that wasn't death. I lost the Sullys when my family moved out of the forest, but it was destiny that reunited us; it wasn't forever. But what happened with Atswon was as permanent as it could've been.
He was dead. He had been burnt. He had died a savior.
It all came back to the stupid Sky People and their fucking deadly nature. That was them: all-consuming, like a virus that infects an organism and kills it from the inside. First our forests, our animals, our Hometree, and then our people, our families, mothers and fathers, ikrans and Tulkuns. Life was not precious to the Sky People. It was merely something they had to survive, a game to be played and a bet to win. To see what side of the gun had the trigger, and who was to be shot.
It was excruciatingly infuriating to be unable to do anything. Attracting the Sky People to Awa'atlu was the furthest away from a bold move, and it would only make us an easy target. But letting them hunt us down wasn't an option, either. There was one thing I knew I had to do: kill whoever was responsible for Atswon's death, and make it as long-lasting and painful as his death had been. I wanted every Sky Person in that metal ikran of theirs to perish, to die from my hand. I was going to make it possible.
Through my anger were flashes of sadness. My brain urged me to keep afloat the memories of the previous night, as much as I didn't want to. One moment I was throwing knives at makeshift targets, and the other I was with the clan singing the mourning song. One second I was stealing Jake's gun from his mauri and shooting desperately at sacks of sand, and another I was seeing Atswon's parents remove him from the resting bed. I saw him sinking. I saw him getting absorbed by the sea, by the Spirit Tree. Ronal kept leading the chanting while everyone else held hands, the flow of energy went from tip to tip and made my body shake with breathy sighs that were meant to be cries, but I had run out of tears.
It was in that ephemeral wave of united souls that I came to the obvious realization. Atswon was gone forever. Fortunately for me, there was a boy that was always there for me when the voices in my head got too loud. And during the funeral Neteyam held my hand with such delicacy, intertwining our fingers and brushing his thumb on my skin, that I managed to hold onto the sight of Atswon's lifeless body just long enough to process my ideas.
But I had slipped off Neteyam's sight as soon as we returned from the Cove of Ancestors, and made my way to the shack. It was a place he could walk in anytime he wanted to, but he didn't and I tried to convince myself I didn't care. I shot bullets, guns, arrows, and knives until my fingers drew blood and my arms turned numb. My breaths weren't even erratic, they were only tired sighs I let out while my hand squeezed the left side of my chest. The emotional pain didn't wait to turn physical.
I started screaming at the top of my lungs, spinning around the mangrove forest, suddenly unable to remember the exit. I felt suffocated. My head turned in circles while tears filled my eyes. I dropped the gun I was holding, only to grab my hunting knife and start lashing and cutting the crust of a tree.
"I need you to come back!" I yelled, my voice raspy and high-pitched. "I need my friend!"
I closed my eyes, seeing a black screen with my breaths as background sound. I had an idea.
I tightened my grip on the knife and directed my shaky arm to my wrist. The blade hadn't made contact, but somehow I felt the sharpness of the thanator fang. I knew it would cut if I moved it closer to my skin. There was a moment of nothingness in which I stayed still, but just as quickly moved the knife.
The curved tip of the fang had only just managed to puncture my skin when a blue hand pulled my arm away. My first instinct was to oppose the force, but he was quicker to turn me around and immobilize my right limb. We were back to back.
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A true seer | Neteyam
Fanfiction"We once used to be friends, Neteyam and I. We were more than that. If only my family had stayed in the forest, it could have remained that way. It must have been Eywa's will that we reunited ten years later, in my home in the Metkayina clan, and th...
