... are we in love?

26

eiza's diary

sept. 08

dear yesterday's eiza,

i'm so proud of you. regardless of feeling guilty about refusing to talk with my parents because i was outside with ryan all night, i didn't regret any of it. for the first time, i found someone i could be comfortable in silence with.

i was tired from work but walking around the city surprisingly made me feel at ease. ang dami naming dinaanan kanina. i thought i already saw everything after going for a shopping noong unang araw ko rito, hindi pa rin pala! ryan happily tour me around and it was so fun kahit mga eskinita alam niya. he didn't mention but i'm assuming he already lived here growing up.

nadaanan namin ang unibersidad kung saan siya nag-aaral. walking distance lang ito sa apartment ko, pero siya kailangan niya pang magbus para makarating doon. may dalawang magkaharap na ten-storey building at malaking gate as an entrance. sabi ni ryan dalawang department lang daw 'yon. mas malaki at malawak pa sa loob. nagbiro pa siyang p'wede niya raw akong isama sa loob minsan kasi malakas naman daw siya sa guard hahaha (i do believe him tho!). nasa loob pa raw ang department niya habang si mau at gab naman ay nasa ibang department din. mau's taking bachelor's degree in design while gab's taking bachelor's of arts in psychology. bachelor of arts in film naman si ryan. he asked about mine and told him i took bachelor of arts in english for three years and finished master of arts for two years. i'm glad he didn't ask more about it after that but he seemed impressed.

may nadaanan kami isang store na puno ng cute stationery items. we wander around inside. ang aliwalas ng pagkapink ng wallpaper matching with pink marble floor. i held myself back from buying anything while ryan's just walking beside me with his hands on his back. ang tahimik lang niya tapos nangingiti kapag napapatingin ako sa kanya.

i always try to look away. for some reason natitrigger niya ang pangangati ng ilong ko. we wandered around for a while until a saleslady tried to pursue us to buy their latest collection. hindi ko talaga matitiis kung hindi pa nag-excuse si ryan at inaya na ako lumabas.

we kept on walking. tamang tinatakam lang ang paningin ng isa't isa sa mga bagay na nakikita sa paligid. what i only noticed, he's always keeping a distance. a two or three inch distance. hindi kami magkalayo pero bahagya ko siyang nauunahan, pakiramdam ko naman safe ako sa ginagawa niyang espasyo. napuna ko rin ito kanina habang kasama niya ang mga kaibigan niya. he probably likes to look after people. i appreciate the gesture.

we were both quiet. for some reason, i expected him to be extroverted. i guess he was also shy, testing waters about how he'll approach me. minsan magsasalita siya pero sapat lang para malaman ko kung ano iyong kasalukuyang naiisip niya. it was a long walk yet i didn't get tired and enjoyed the silence without overthinking if i'm boring or whatnot. it feels so... refeshing?

i had a lot of long and silent walks when i was still in the states, but it didn't feel the same. there was still comfort, but there was lingering joy inside of me at that moment. i've always been comforted by loneliness. enjoying someone's company aside from my parents is really new to me. a big internal achievement.

we stopped by a convenience store. nakabungad ito at tamang tama ang pwesto malapit sa new town riversville bridge at park. may iilang tables at chairs na nakapuwesto sa labas ng store. i can see the enchanting view of the bridge and the buildings from where i was sitting. may malawak na grass field at iilang puno na nakatayo roon. may iilang mga batang nagbabike, matatandang naglalakad, teenagers na nagjojogging, at mayroon rin nagpipicnic sa field. buhay na buhay at malinis ang lugar. nadaanan ko ito no'ng papunta kami sa apartment pero hindi ko naappreciate dahil sa pagod.