... are we in love?

31

eiza's diary

sept 28.

dear yesterday's eiza,

FINALLY! it's been so long. i've been busy sa part-time. after my first week, mas bumigat ang trabaho ko. sometimes i do overtime to help inside the kitchen and even sa closing. every sunday ate marie and i have to go to the wet market to buy ingredients na good for one week. after that i'll get to eat street food and wander around while ate marie is busy talking to her acquaintances. nakakahiligan ko na tuloy magwindow shopping lalo na sa mga stationery stalls. i love watching kids playing around the crowded place, the noises surrounding me, and the different unfamiliar smell wherever i turn my head. it makes my work don't feel like a chore or a routine i'd eventually get tired of.

gustong gusto kong inaangat ang aking mukha para damhin ang hangin habang nakasakay sa likod ng tricycle. gustong gusto kong pinagmamasdan ang lugar kahit ilang beses ko na itong nakikita. isang beses nahagip ng paningin ko si ryan na nakatayo sa labas ng entrance ng uni kasama ang mga kaibigan niya. parang biglang nagslow-mo ang paningin ko sa kanila. i saw how the corners of their eyes crinkled while smiling and holding sticks of street food they bought in a street food cart standing beside them.

hindi ko pa rin sila nakakasama ulit pero lagi akong nakakaramdam ng comfort kapag nakikita ko silang magkakasama. kapag inaalala ko kung paano ikiniwento ni ryan kung paano sila nagkakilalang tatlo, lagi akong napapangiti. it's heartwarming how i could feel something like this towards other people's relationships. i should've been feeling jealous, right?

i lose a lot of relationships it made me think there was something wrong with me, but then i realized maybe some things aren't meant to stay in your life. the realization made the spark of yearning inside of me disappeared.

after work, dumadaan ako sa café. minsan, mag-oorder o kaya manghihiram ng librong babasahin. kapag breaktime ni emon at ryan sinasamahan nila ako sa table ko para kumain. noong una nahihiya pa ako pero kalaunan nasanay na rin ako sa pag-alok ni ryan. pinapatikim niya lagi mga luto ni maurice tapos ikukwento niya kung paano natuto magluto ang kaibigan by watching kdramas. i always see the same endearing smile ryan always shows me whenever he's talking about his best friends. kung p'wede ko lang siya titigan at pakinggan buong araw, gagawin ko.

in our text conversations, ryan told me he's quite popular around the campus from joining film festivals and competitions for the past three years up to the present. hindi niya rin daw alam kung paano nagsimula ang "ryan lesbian nation" pero masaya raw siyang may willing sumuporta sa mga gawa niya lalo na't karamihan ng mga nakakalaban niya ay kalalakihan. even though i didn't see how he started his passion for filming, i already feel proud of him. paano pa kay mau at gab? they must be beyond proud of him. i know they always feel that towards each other. it's just so... wholesome and heartwarming.

my parents and i made an agreement to talk on facetime at least twice a week. as long as we want to talk to each other every single day, sometimes i feel drain from working. nakakatulog na lang ako minsan nang hindi nakakapagpalit ng damit sa sobrang pagod (yes, tmi, kadiri, i know!). at least i'm trying not to skip meals.

my parents are doing well handling our small restaurant business while mama cindy's still accepting clients from her interior design firm as her sideline. keeping themselves busy so they wouldn't miss me too much.

one time they asked me how i was holding up these past few days. i told them it was tolerable. they asked if i was happy and i said yes. i felt empty after the call thinking about it.

maybe... i am happy enough that i could get through the day without self deprecating. i am happy enough that i could socialize without feeling conscious about how other people perceive me. i am happy enough that i could eat proper meals. i am happy enough that i could breath without questioning it.

minsan kapag lunch break, ryan will hit me up and ask if we could grab lunch together. we always stand outside the eatery, looking at the nothingness while eating the sandwiches maurice made for us, and of course, my matcha latte hahaha. minsan niloloko ako ni ryan, baka raw kulay matcha latte na ang dugo ko, pero panay rin naman ang timpla niya kapag gusto ko, tinuruan niya pa ako magtimpla! ang kulit hahaha.

yesterday i got reprimanded by ate marie for the first time. hindi ko kasi nasulat nang maayos ang isa sa mga order ng isang customer kaya ayun mali ang nailuto nila. hindi naman ako sinigawan ni ate marie, she was even polite towards me, but i ended up crying because of guilt. hindi ko nasagot ang text ni ryan kung gusto kong maglunchbreak kasama siya, pero nakita ko siyang naghihintay sa labas pagkatapos akong pagsabihan.

i only let my parents see me crying. i don't like other people seeing me vulnerable. i was used to crying inside a bathroom cubicle so my former friends wouldn't see and ask me about it. i didn't like it.

but yesterday, i let ryan watch me cry. i felt terrible from crying. i felt tired from working. i felt an urge to beat myself up from making a minor mistake.

ni hindi ko narinig magsalita si ryan kaya napatigil ako't napatunghay sa kanya. i couldn't describe what kind of stare what he was giving me at that moment, but it sent me into orbit. i sneezed in front of him! buti na lang may panyo akong tinakip sa 'king mukha.

"okay lang 'yan, eiza. malamang nagugutom ka na, oh."

i was relieved he didn't ask me what happened and let me talk about it on my own terms. it didn't take long though, i told him about it while we were eating.

it's easy to get over with something when you're being comforted by someone, ‘no? or maybe that's just me.

"natural lang magkamali, eiza. lalo na sabi mo first time mo, 'di ba?"

"eh, paano kung maulit?"

"sa tingin ko naman hindi mo na ulit gugustuhin maulit 'yon. pero ayos lang 'yan, okay? 'wag mo masyadong pagalitan ang sarili mo. you did well today, eiza."

before i could even take a breath, he spoke again.

"hindi ka na iba sa 'kin. kaibigan kita."

nagkatitigan lang kami hanggang sa maiyak na naman ako habang kumakagat sa sandwich na gawa ni mau. ryan laughed at me while caressing my back, consoling me.

"ang cute mo, eiza. tahan na. sana friend mo rin ako, ah?"

i ended the day feeling content. i went to sleep lighthearted. then i replied to ryan's question.

"ang cute mo, ryan. you've always been a friend to me."

with so much love, care, and hope,

today's eiza.