The Bend in the Road (A Karna-Arjun what-if story)

The right to grief

Arjun's pov

Day 8 of the Battle of Kurukshetra

They went into battle with an offensive formation of their own, the ardhachandravyuh. Arjun and Karna's chariots at the very tip led their army to attack their enemy headfirst.

Karna was in extraordinary touch that day. He slew so many that by half the day, he had already secured the day as a Pandava victory. Arjun considered himself slightly less effective; owing to the threat to his jyesht yesterday, he could not help but keep an tab on him at all times today, and the tip of the ardhachandravyuh was not technically supposed to be focussing on anything but offense.

It was strange to attack side by side with the King of Anga without exchanging a word or a glance. Since their exchange last night, neither had made a move to talk to each other.

Arjun could not deny that somewhere deep inside, he had started feeling upset that no matter what happened, the King of Anga's caustic comments always found a way to target him. Even if it was Drishtadyumna or Nakul who had had a go at Karna, the latter would hold Arjun responsibility nevertheless. Like he had done a great wrong to him someday in the past, a wrong superseding all wrongs ever done to him. A wrong Arjun was not even aware of.

Surely the King of Anga did not hate even Madhav as much as he hated him.

Earlier, Arjun had been indifferent towards the all-encompassing hatred the King of Anga harboured towards him. Lately, it had begun to hurt. Because Arjun had, somehow, begun to sense a sort of friendship between him, which now turned out to be present only from one side.

***

When they returned, unarguably the victor for the day, there was a slight corpse waiting for Arjun, its head severed from its body.

"Iravan," Abhimanyu whispered in disbelief, rushing to his brother's body before covering his eyes.

King Virata spoke up, looking sorrowfully at Arjun.

"He killed five princes of Gandhar before the ogre Alamvusha challenged him. He held up for a long time against the ogre, but eventually his illusions got the better of him. Alamvusha killed Iravan when he was confounded."

"I--I see," said Arjun.

Abhimanyu knelt beside his half-brother, his face still hidden. Arjun mechanically went to join him. Later, just as mechanically, he performed his oldest son's last rites.

"I will kill Alamvusha and avenge my cousin, Kakashree," Ghatotkach promised. "I will show him the power of my illusions."

Arjun put an arm around his nephew and watched without blinking as his son's pyre went up in flames.

***

As they dispersed, people kept offering Arjun a word of comfort or a pat on the back. Bheem kept his arm around him right till they returned to their tents.

But did he deserve any of it? thought Arjun. Did he deserve to mourn his son, and did he deserve comfort from his family and friends when all he could think was--

No, he could not put it in words, even inside his own head.

But back in their camp, Arjun headed for their children's tent and pulled Abhimanyu and Srutakarma in a hug so fierce that it must have bruised them.

***

He avoided company. 

He turned down Yudhishthir and Sahadev's invitation to come and join them for dinner; he asked Drishtadyumna to be pardoned from their review meeting.

He wandered alone in the camp, his eyes switching between the ground and the sky, his mind switching between shy, soft-spoken Iravan to two other faces. Every so often he would head for their children's tent to simply gaze at Abhimanyu and Srutakarma. Whatever they would be doing--Abhi polishing his armour, Srut arguing with Sutsoma; Abhi playing cards with Vrishaketu, Srut jumping from one cot to another in huge leaps--they were the most precious sight to Arjun's eyes.

A presence beside him made him turn at the entrance of the tent.

"I am not here to offer you comfort," said Madhav, before he could say anything, "so do not try to plead solitude from me."

Arjun thought he probably would not have asked Madhav to leave him alone even if he had come to offer comfort.

"Good," he said. "I do not deserve comfort. I do not even have the right to grieve Iravan."

"What for?" asked Madhav softly.

Arjun glanced back inside the tent.

"I can't--I don't know what this makes me, Madhav, but..." His voice dropped so low, no one but Madhav could have heard it, because Madhav always knew what he was saying. "I--I am so--so thankful that--it was not Abhimanyu or Srutakarma."

He lifted his eyes to his friend's, expecting to find shock. Instead, he only found understanding and tenderness. Shocked was the last thing Madhav looked.

"It is very natural," said Madhav. "Tragedies always get us to think how things might have been infinitely more terrible."

"But why should Iravan's death be any less terrible to me, Madhav? He is as much my son as my other two."

"I would not say that," said Madhav stoically. "You were not there when Iravan grew up."

"I wasn't there when any of my sons grew up," said Arjun. "Even Abhi and Srut grew up without me. What makes them different, Madhav? What is wrong with me that as a father, I can--I can only be thankful that--Abhi and Srut are all right?"

"You were not physically present during their childhood, I agree," said Madhav. "But think back to your exile, Parth. Would your heart not keep straying towards how Abhimanyu and Srutakarma were coming along? Think back to your time in Lord Indra's domain. Did you not wait for the day you will be back on earth and finally see your brothers, wife, me--and Abhimanyu and Srutakarma?"

Arjun contemplated.

"You were always present during their childhood, and they know it, too," said Madhav, and added sadly, "and you were never present with Iravan and Babruvahan."

"That is--that is unforgivable."

"No. It is just the way things are. Ulupi and Chitrangada, and their sons, for you, were incidents to shut within your exile. Ulupi used, er, questionable means to conceive Iravan. Chitrangada was always clear that she would not leave her father's kingdom. You never meant for them to last inside your heart or your life at all."

Arjun could not tell if Madhav was reproaching him. His tone was so normal, but what he said was...

Facts, in reality.

He had only ever considered Draupadi and Subhadra as his wives. Abhimanyu and Srutakarma had always been in his hearts, however far away they might be. The others were simply incidents of the past, not the present, and never the future.

Madhav had a nice way of looking at things. 'That's just the way things are.' It made him feel no action was right or wrong--they were simply actions.

"But I must make it clear that it does not mean you do not have the right to grieve for your son, Parth. The love you developed for Iravan in the past weeks is real. The grief you feel now, tainted though it may be with relief that Abhi and Srut are all right, is real, too, and you have every right to mourn him."

Arjun's power of comprehension mostly tended to lag behind Madhav's explanations, but he thought it might be catching up now.

"The right to grief is not decided by past actions, or past feelings. It is decided by its presence right here." Madhav touched Arjun's heart before pulling him closer. "Anyone who feels grief has a right to it."

Arjun, as always, found refuge inside the circle of his friend's arms.