Poems That Came From a Beanstalk

i wish it wasnt for nothing

I am sitting in my car
This morning
Alone, dark, with the rain

And I'm texting him
But he isn't allowed in my brain
Right now
Here

And I just sit here after work sometimes to listen to nothing
But today it's extra nice because

It's raining and it sounds just nice

And I kind of looked
down the road a little
and everything disappeared
for a minute

and I felt calm
Thinking of that picture I forgot about
Of my plants in the
Living room window
That you got so excited with me about

And you always encouraged me
And I love you even now for that

Because at least I know it's possible for someone to believe in me
For no reason
Except for believing I can

And I thought pretty plainly and kindly:
I miss gardening with you

And when I dropped your shirts off the other day
It was surreal seeing the posts I had put in the ground for our garden in a bucket
And the wooden planks strewn
I remember the summer we did that together

And I thought about texting it
That I missed gardening with you
But I know it would only complicate things
Instead of heal them

So I'm writing it here
Where it's probably safer anyway
And maybe you'll see it
And not have to tell me you saw it
So you can just know
And I can just not

I know i told you
Not to read anymore of this stuff
Because of the pressure
But I hope you didn't listen to me

And you still want to
And do it anyway
Because you're the only person
That ever wanted to hear my writing

I miss eating Mexican food with you and
Convincing you to go in and get it
Every time we drove there

And I miss fighting about who is gonna drive
And I miss going on a drive
And bringing the dog and feeling good
Watching her sniff the night air

And listening to you sing
Under the windsheild and gripping the wheel with your big knuckles and
Baggy sweat shirt
All under the passing orange streetlights

We were kids weren't we
Was it real?

And I miss the way you dance
And I really liked holding

Your hands

And dancing with you while we waited for dinner to cook
You always said "sure" so kindly
When I asked you to

I will miss that egg dish you use to make me
It was wonderful
And so sweet when you wrote notes
In ketchup on it

Why does my heart break thinking about
Ketchup

You got so mad
When I would try to get the blackheads out of your nose
Sorry about that
And you did face masks with me

And you didn't even get mad
When paisley ruined your stuff
Not at me
Not in a way that made me scared

I miss watching movies
And playing games
And driving you and the boys
And going on walks, and holding your hand on them

And coming in quietly to your blue lit
Office
And kissing your cheek when you had your headphones on
Talking to your boys
And you let me sit with you most times
You even wanted me to
And I could fall asleep that way
Sitting with you
Quietly watching whatever you were doing
Usually watching YouTube and playing a game
Or learning something
Or two things at once
Sometimes you'd explain everything happily
And sometimes we would just sit quiet

And I really want to watch that Asian zombie show again
But I can't
Because I wanted to with you
And I just can't alone

I will miss you getting excited
To go grocery shopping
And picking out
A silly new alcohol to try
And being very serious about the cut of steak you got

I feel it's a tragedy
That sometimes
I forget what your eyes look like
And how it felt to be warmed by your wonderful smile

So I'm writing the smallest parts here
So maybe
I'll remember at least those

You always looked like an angel when you slept. And you were awful at cuddling when you weren't awake.

But you don't know

How many times I just
Sat and appreciated you
While you were sleeping
So peaceful and sweet
I was always so thankful
And I hoped you felt loved by me

Do you remember scritches?
I do it for comfort now
When it's dim and still in my room
When I cry

Isn't it crazy
That everything was real?
Everything happened?

I remember how excited I was to get that apartment with you
Even though it stressed me out
Making a home with you
Was the best thing of my life

As of yet

It was a dream
It was a lot of bad too

But I can only remember the good now
Because all that it's been
Since then
Is a nightmare

With only blips of waking up
Here and there
To sunlight
Sometimes

And I miss everything

So I just want you to know
I will never forget
Any of it

Even if you think I did
I dont