Poems That Came From a Beanstalk

Right Now

Got a playlist named "Right Now"
For all the new songs I fall in love with
I call it that because
My favorites never stay the same with music

Wondering if "Right Now" screwed me over

Because I made a habit
Of changing my mind
Bad habit
When it comes to the real Right Now

I miss my little sister
Right now
Because I changed where I needed to be
And so I miss her

Miss her like I miss the sun on these winter days
--because she is my sun
And the videos I rewatch of her on my phone from back then
- she doesn't even know I kept them-
Make my days ever more rainy

Because my eyes turn from the brown he fell in love with to the gray and rolling clouds of the early spring
My eyes will rain a gale like no other when I think of how I left her
Hearing her voice on the videos keeps the forecast dangerous

Right Now, I don't know if the boy I am in love with is good for me
Or if the poison sunk in so deep that I can't even say I'm good for him
Instead it feels like I got my hands tangled in the ropes around his wrists While trying to set him free

He says I'm strong, that it'll be okay
As he bends down to tie his ankles together
I usually nod with shaking shoulders in agreement-- we can do this--
Right before pulling the knots tighter
Now our circulation is cutting off

And it's embarrassing, this contradiction of our goals
So I'm speechless and motionless
As if the darkness will leave us alone if it doesn't think I'm there

It won't leave me alone, I warn him
But he wants me to stay because he was ready for forever
So he begs me to believe I'm strong enough
But my blood doesn't run forever
With ropes cutting it off

And if it tries for much longer
Something might break
And love sometimes isn't strong
In the way that you want it to be

My love,
What if I don't feel strong anymore?
I told you Right now screwed me up--
I changed my mind, even about you

Right now has reached over from behind
To tie a blindfold around my eyes
Maybe I didn't fight it because I thought it was a surprise

It was not a good surprise.

I came to find that the blindfold was made of money, papery bills
And all I could see
Were the problems I vowed never to have
But that's where caring gets you

Where Right Now got me
My plans have changed, because maybe I don't want to leave you behind
Even when I should

Right now, everything is mixed together
Like a recipe I read wrong and made anyway

Right now, I think about sitting in the harsh winter winds
After everyone has gone to sleep
With no coat
And no hat
Just to feel the cold
Till it hurts
More than this
Till the tears from my sister freeze in glassy trails down my face
And the bracelet he made me stings with the cold
And the sore muscles in my shoulders from working my body go limp
Without a fight against the weather

And I'll stay out so long
That they'll just have to find me in the morning with dew in my hair and on my lips
With diamonds woven into my eyebrows
I hope the sun makes the drops golden and my glass tears liquid again
So you can know that nature took me like it was suppose to in the first place

Just not the way I thought it would
Or wanted it to

But Right now, that's all that bliss sings to me