Cold Fame || ENHA

31. Want, Need, & Can't

January 19th, 2021

"Dont pout." Heeseung laughed. I grabbed my phone out and began to type furiously. "This is the second time you have ruined a friendship! First Xiao Jun and now Dongyul? He's probably going to be so awkward around me because you cant just shut up!" Then I showed him.

He scoffed. "How many times must I say it? Hes 26. It is weird for you to be friends with him right now and your an idol. It's not like the friendship is going to last long anyway."

I couldnt tell if he was being serious. I began to type once again. "Just please leave me alone Heeseung. Now is not a good time." Then I turned the phone back to him.

"Fine but you know I'm right." Heeseung teased and then walked away. He left. I teared up at the frustration boiling in me, gripping my hair tightly with both hands.

I let out a big sigh and began to silently cry. I dont know why I was so upset especially since I havent known Dongyul for long. Just something was so annoying.

Through my shaky and tear driven voice, I began to sing a song quietly to calm myself. I need to find peace is something besides silence.

January 22nd, 2021

I cant stop. My arm isnt enough. It doesnt feel like it's enough. The craves to do it anywhere else is insane but I cant. I'm sobbing next to the sink while I write. I'm so tired and I truly can't handle anything anymore.

I've thrown up just a few minutes ago. I'm sick to the point I can't handle anything going into my stomach besides alchohol. I have a Jack Daniel's bottle sitting next to me and I've drank about five shots in total.

I'm trying to escape in any way possible and I can't. I want to scream so loud I burst my own ear drums yet I can't. I want to release this feeling but I can't.

It won. I wave the white flag in surrender. Congratulations monster. You've won. Little Jeongmi lost. I lost.

January 28th, 2021

I haven't talked to Jay, Sunoo or Heeseung in a while. Whenever Jay or Sunoo coming knocking on my door I dont answer and Heeseung honestly hasnt really come back since the 19th.

He dropped food off once and that was it. I suppose I've grown less sick but its hard to swallow food. Weverse and Twitter dont help though.

The rumor grew bigger and the company had put a statement out about it on how it is not true after an "investigation" into it which the rumor isn't true of course but the investigation part was truly bullshit.

I told my Manager that I knew who did it but he said it didnt matter and I should just focus on the upcoming comeback. That's all the matters isnt it?

Making the company money. It's all they want. Goodness, I'm such a wreck. I dont know what to do and I'm so scared. I need somebody. I texted Jay and asked him to come over.

I waited on the steps to my bed, holding myself until I heard the knock on my door that indicated Jay was here. Then there was the knock. I shot up and jogged to the door.

I swung it open and let Jay in. "What's wrong?" He asked. I only tightly hugged onto him. Jay giggled but seemed confused of course. "Did something happen?" He inquired, hugging me back.

I shook my head though I of course new it was a lie. He walked me over to the couch and sat down. He quickly turned on a good variety show and allowed me to rest my head against on his shoulder.

He pulled a blanket over us both and stayed silent, allowing me to relax. After a few minutes he said, "I feel like something wrong. You wouldn't do this for no reason, yeah?"