Cold Fame || ENHA

33. Mood Killer

February 16th, 2021

Ever since the 14th, I truly am lost. I don't think Heeseung told anyone what happened so at practice, everyone is normal, and Niki keeps teasing me and Heeseung.

Because of the teasing, it's shown that something probably happened between us due to the way we react. I hate being around them. I hate being around him. I've planned to go to my CEO and tell him mostly everything.

I need to get out of this group. I don't know where I'd end up. I don't have enough money to sustain myself and I know Haena won't take me back. But I need to get out. I'm trapped.

Meanwhile I'm laying on the floor in the kitchen. Drunk out of my mind. The ceiling looked like it was moving and it seemed blurry.

The thoughts were overwhelming. So I acted on them like I always did. Just as the old ones were healing the new ones found their spots. It was not smart to do it as I had a comeback on April and we are already preparing for it.

Though, I don't fucking care. I don't care anymore. I give up.

February 20th, 2021

I've been spending all my days drunk or practicing. If I'm not practicing I'm drinking until I throw up and black out. I've hardly eaten with the exception of some fruit.

I've been disassociating so bad that nothing feels real especially when I'm drunk. All the walls seem like their moving and the floor sometimes looks like it zooms out.

Or maybe I'm crazy. I don't care. Jay and Sunoo have tried to talk to me but I would never let up. Even if Jay happens to barge in when I'm drunk, I just pretend like I'm sleeping and it works.

I've lost contact with everyone. Even Dongyul. He tried to text me when I was drunk but I never answered. I lay on the cracked marble of my dusty foundation.

I had so many plans for the kingdom I was going to build for myself, but it was all gone. I will never be safe and sound. I've yet to come to terms with the fact I'll never be loved.

It haunts me every night. The messages and pictures I saw on his phone are stained to my rusted brain. Actually, Jay kept texting me and asking me about it. Heeseung told him what happened.

Heeseung apperantly hasn't taken it well either. Good, he deserves the pain he feels. Now there was knocking on my door. I was laying on the stairs to my bed, intoxicated as hell.

I slowly stood up, nearly knocking the alchohol bottle over. Before I could make it to the door, it flung open to reveal Jay once more. His eyes immediately changed, seeing the state I was in.

"Jeongmi. Is this why you are always asleep?" He asked, letting me lean on him as he brought me to the couch. I groaned, my eyes hardly open. He laid me down and kneeled infront of my face.

"I know it hurt you a lot but you can't do this." Jay scolded but in a light tone. I ignored him and turned over. "I'm not going to watch you do this to yourself! Jeongmi please. Heeseung feels really bad and he knows-" "Please stop." I interrupted.

Jay immediately went quiet. After a few moment he spoke again; "You'd hate me if I did this, but I should get Heeseung in here." Jay spoke lower now. I immediately turned back around and gripped his shirt tightly.

I gave him a stern look, hate filling my eyes at the mere thought of Heeseung coming into my safe space that he first destroyed. Jay was shocked and pulled away, then stood up.

"I'm sorry. Hate me as much as you want but this needs to happen." Jay said, walking away and leaving to go get Heeseung. I was suddenly awake. I wanted anything but to be awake.