To Whom Have Lived

Chapter 14 - The Note

TW - suicide talk, homophobic slurs, abuse

Before we get into this I just want to let you all know that this will not be an easy chapter for me to write. This will also be the only chapter that will ever be in first person

Pov - Jules

Childhood.

I never really had one. I stopped having one when I came out but that doesn't matter. What matters is that Kyle had one. Once Kyle was born I started actually giving a shit about my mental health because I wasn't going to leave him alone with my parents his whole life.

Even though that is exactly what I did.

...

"Kyle I know but please, you have to be strong. You'll only have to stay here for a little while longer. At least until I have gotten back up on my feet." I'd say, looking into your eyes, trying to reassure you that everything would be okay.

"I-I know but... what if you forget about me?" You asked, shedding a single tear.

"I'll never forget about you my little phoenix. You know what phoenixes are known for?"  You shake your head, "They are known for rising up out of their own ashes and being a better version of themselves, and that is exactly what you will do. Don't ever worry phoenix, you'll do wonders for this world."  Is the last thing I said to you before I left.

I never forgot about you. The others will never know but I based the channel name off of the old nickname I gave you. I feel like it suits you well. I'm sure you do too. Every time I used to call you that your face lit up. It was my favorite thing in the world.

...

I will never forget the night that I came out. I know you won't either. That is the night that I told you to never trust anyone but me. You may not remember all of it, but I do. The screaming and yelling and crying. It was a mess.

"I want you to leave this house. I would rather have a dead daughter then a fucking fag! Now. Get! Out!"

"Dad please. I'm sorry. It was just a joke. Ha ha. Right?" I said, looking at him with pleading eyes.

"I know it wasn't a joke. I have seen the way you look at women vs the way you look at men and it disgusts me."

"Mo-Mom?"

"You are not a daughter to me. My parents always said that if I came out they would beat the gay out of me. Maybe that is just what your father needs to do to you. Or send you to one of those camps." My mom said, turning her head away like a child.

"So-so you're telling me you would rather have a dead daughter then a lesbian one? Just like dad?" I asked, looking up at her with wide eyes.

"Yep. I don't know what went through your mind when you chose this path. But this is not God's plan for you." Mom said, throwing me my things in garbage bags, "Out."

I said my goodbyes to you, Kyle, only you. You were all I had ever cared about. I was 16 at the time, you were only 12. I left to go live with Liam and Logan at their parents house until Liam and I turned 18. Then you came out.

Our parents were livid. You never knew about the things they would say about you. Once you said that you were joking all of that stopped. I made sure that you never knew what went on whenever you weren't there.

I left you forever the day I turned 18. I packed my things for good, grabbed Liam and Logan, and left for New York. Then, you found me, wanting to come live with us instead of mom and dad. I knew you found out what they had been doing but you never said anything.

I saw the tattoo that you had when we went out for dinner after you found me. I knew what it meant, I have the same one. The night that we went back to my house I asked you about it. I never meant to offend you and you knew that. I then showed you mine so you knew why I asked.

That's when I told you everything that mom and dad had done when we were kids.

"You have a purple one? Why?" You asked, sitting next to me on the couch.

"It was two nights after I came out. You were at a friends house which left me alone with dad. He called me all these names and beat me until I was almost dead. He was drunk, I knew that much. Something had happened at his work and he took it out on me. When I had finally regained my strength, I slit my throat." I paused, looking up from my hands and staring at you in the face.

"Wh-What? Who found you?" Kyle asked, grabbing my hands.

"Dad did. He rushed me to the hospital and  apologized the whole ride there. He stopped the beatings for a couple of weeks. It started back up again when you came out. I made sure that you never had the same conversation that I had with them. I told dad to take it out on me instead of you. That you were just 'confused' and copying your older sister.

"I'm telling you this so you know how horrible they are. You're old enough now to know the truth. I'm not telling you this so you feel bad. I don't want you to feel guilty, none of it is your fault phoenix so please never think that." I finished.

I could see that you were about to cry so I stopped talking for the rest of the night. When I woke up the next day you were gone, nothing but a note on the counter. It read:

Jules,

Mom and dad came by looking for me. I went back with them. Don't worry about me, I'll be okay. I'll come back in a few years to fully live with you, but I'll promise you this, I'm going to make their lives a living hell for the remainder of the time that I'm living there. I'll be fine.

...Kyle

...

I'm very proud of you. I have always been. What's funny is that you did live up to your promise. Mom and dad were livid and I always loved that about you. You know how to pull peoples strings but to an extent. You even got dad in jail for the shit that he had done, good job. Sadly it was only for a few months but at least something was done.

I wish I was there for it. I knew that you would do amazing things. That's the kind of person that you are, you are the kind of person to help people. Never once have you not done something that is for another person, no matter who it was. This is why you are my favorite person in the world and I feel so ashamed to leave you.

I hope that you will always remember to be the loving human being that you are, nothing could ever change that about you. I might not have a lot of time left which is why I'm saying all of this now. If you are reading this, then I am dead and I never got to show you how much you really mean to me.

I love you. Through and through. You will always be my little phoenix.

Again, love you always,

- Jules Anderson

~ End of Chapter ~

Word Count ~ 1295