Balance, Baby

Chapter 12

On my way home from work, I started to recollect my thoughts from last night. I had focused on what I felt for Judah and what it meant. I also thought about what I wanted to come out of it, and where I needed to go from where I'm at currently in order to get to my goal.

I came to the conclusion that my feelings probably weren't going to change. Originally I wanted to ignore them, but maybe they deserve to be felt. Knowing that he feels the same way, if not more, just made me feel like I owed it to him to explore what I was feeling. No matter how scary it might be, or how risky I thought it was. So, that meant I needed to get serious about my mental state. I needed to start treating him the way he deserves, and I also needed to think about what I needed to do to make that happen. I decided that I had to take a step back in order to put myself into the right mindset to truly be able to bring what needed to be brought to the table. I wanted to give both of us a chance. 'Not just for him, but for me. I deserve love too.'

I had a little over an hour before I had to get ready for my shift at the restaurant, and I hadn't talked to Judah since before he left for work last night. My plan was to talk to him about where I was at mentally, just so that he wasn't surprised if I acted differently or anything like that. I took a deep breath at the thought of telling him. It shouldn't make me nervous, we already talked about everything before. But it did.

I had just walked in the door and realized Judah was in the shower. 'Perfect. I'm trying to get out of my sexual tendencies and the first thing I think about when I'm within 20 feet of him is him in the shower.' I sighed at my lack of progress. I immediately cut myself some slack, realizing it hadn't even been a day since I made up my mind to try and change. 'Subconscious thoughts will take a lot longer to catch up.' I told myself.

I put all of my things down in my room, taking off my shoes. Afterwards, I made my way to the kitchen. I made myself a sandwich and ate it on the couch. Judah had turned off the water as I finished my sandwich, I was waiting for him to come out so that we could talk. After a few minutes, I laid down on the couch. I started falling asleep, waiting for him.

I was woken up by Judah's hand rubbing my thigh. He picked up my legs and sat down, setting my legs on his lap, "How was work?"

I yawned and then smiled at him, "Good."

"I figured if you were actually trying to take a nap you would've been in your bed. Sorry for waking you," He said, still rubbing my legs.

"No, I wanted to talk to you," I sat up, moving my legs off of him.

He turned to face me, "What's up?"

I took a deep breath, "So, I just wanted to kind of let you know where I was at," I started, looking at the floor, "I've decided that I do need a bit of space. I just want to get in the right mindset, obviously I'm still going to hang out and talk to you. I just think it would be better for me if we just laid back on the flirting and you know," I paused and looked at him, "Stuff. I'm trying to make sure I make good decisions and I don't think I can do that if all I think about is getting in bed with you."

"So 24 hour challenge it is," He joked.

I smiled, "Basically, maybe more than 24 hours. I'll have to see where my head is at. Is that okay?"

"If you can even last for 24 hours," He laughed. I looked at him, cocking my head to the side, "Shit, that was the last one. I'm sorry."

"Asking you to not flirt is like asking a fish not to swim, isn't it?" I laughed.

"Pretty much," He nodded, "I'll do my best. By the way, you said stuff. Does that include like, I don't know, how I was touching your legs earlier? Or just the teasing? Can I give you hugs? Like, I want to be clear."