Balance, Baby

Chapter 22

Another week had gone by. I was 20 weeks along now. We were due to leave for Hawaii this weekend. Judah had been locking down a permanent position for the past week and a half, his internship ended and he was negotiating with a potential employer. I just finished my internship today. I asked my supervisor to postpone my start date on the permanent position until we got back from our trip to Hawaii. So, mini party! I got the job. I wasn't working at the restaurant anymore either, I was completely free for the next 2 and a half weeks. Now that we've had the spoonful of sugar, let me explain how shit the rest of my life is going.

Judah and I had been so distant since our last argument. We haven't had another fight since, but we also just didn't talk much at all. If we did spend time together we were just watching a movie, or eating. He even skipped the last baby check up. We've had sex once and I've probably never had worse sex. It felt alright in the moment, but before and after were terribly awkward. It felt worse than sleeping with a complete stranger, at least the awkward times with them had the excuse of me not knowing them at all.

Currently, Millie was rambling about me needing a baby shower. I kept trying to explain to her that I didn't need one. I didn't have many people in my life, I knew tons of people. But, I prided myself on keeping my circle small. I could probably count on my fingers how many people would bother showing up. Not to mention, saving the money would be more beneficial.

"But trust me! The amount of money people will bring in gifts and diapers, it would pay off for the expenses of the party," She tried to explain.

I sighed, "Again, I have like 8 people close enough to me that I would invite. Not worth it."

She huffed dramatically, "Fine! Whatever. I will give you the best gender reveal in the history of gender reveals though, count on it."

I cracked a smile at her enthusiasm, "I bet you will."

She agreed to go to Hawaii, which was going to be fun. I really loved Millie, the thought of finally having a girl that I knew I could trust and be close with made me feel like I missed a big part of growing up. Female friends are irreplaceable. The closest person I ever had to a girl friend before was Judah. I had a couple of girls I made friends with growing up, but I was constantly moving and never got close enough with any of them to bother staying in touch. She was the first of Cisco's girlfriends that I've ever had a bond with. Although the bond existed way before their relationship did, I was still happy about it.

"So anyway, I think you should do a pregnancy photo shoot," She dragged on, looking at her notebook. Yes, she had a notebook for my pregnancy and all of the things she wanted to 'help' with. She was living through me, and she wasn't even bothering to hide it. I wouldn't be surprised if her and Cisco popped one out next.

I let my mind wander to Judah. I thought about how things were before. I replayed platonic moments laying on my bed, all the times he saved me from my own mind, the self care Sundays. I thought about when we were teasing each other all the time, our first mutual and sober kiss, when we finally had sex for the first time. All of it was a dream. But then I thought about our more recent moments together. I mostly came across angry shouting and hurt expressions. Awkward silences and wanting to touch him, but feeling too far away to. I remembered the day we had sex last.

~ flashback ~

We were sitting on the couch watching some movie about the end of the world or something. I wasn't really paying attention. I was busy thinking, and stealing glances at Judah. We weren't cuddling, we weren't sitting next to each other either. I was leaning on one arm of the couch and he was on the other.

I looked over at him for the millionth time to meet his eyes for the first. I held his gaze for a while, smiling softly. He smiled back and scooted closer to me, putting his hand on my leg. The physical touch was enough to get a reaction from me. It was involuntary, but he noticed my shudder. His hand rubbed across my skin as I looked back at the tv. I wanted to cuddle into him, I actually wanted to straddle his lap and kiss him furiously. But instead, I was frozen.