Balance, Baby

Chapter 26

After dinner we all went back to the hotel together, it was really late so we all split up and made our way to our rooms. I was laying on the bed, thinking about everything that's been happening. I had an internal war going on. One side was fighting for me and Judah to keep up the fairytale bullshit, the other was telling me to stop before I hurt 10 times worse when everything was said and done. The worst part of it, in my opinion, was that both sides made total sense to me at the moment.

I tabled my internal debate as I sat up. I decided that I need to get myself ready for bed instead of worrying about things that I couldn't do much about right now anyway. Even if I came to a decision on which side to listen to, it would have to wait until tomorrow to be applied.

I made my way to the bathroom and started to take off my makeup. I looked down at my neck and ran the cotton pad over my hickeys, revealing their reddish purple color. I found myself smiling at the memory of getting them, and Judah calling it a work of art. After all the makeup was gone, I ran my fingers over them. To think, they'll probably still be there after we say goodbye. The pit in my stomach returned, my chest ached.

I diverted my attention back to getting ready for bed. I washed my face and changed into an oversized shirt. Honestly, I think I stole this shirt from Judah years ago too. I sighed, pushing my hair back into a sloppy bun. I started to realize that everything is going to remind me of him, even after we part ways. On one hand, it was kind of nice to know that I could always feel like I had parts of him with me. But, it mostly just hurt to know that all I'd have of him for a while would be memories and a tee shirt or two.

I laid back on the bed, staring at the ceiling as I thought about how everything went wrong. 'I've said out loud that I regret us getting together, that having him be in my life just as my best friend would be preferable to what's coming in the future. When we got together, I knew that I'd be risking us parting ways. But, I never expected it all to happen so fast. I should have never agreed after finding out I was pregnant. But part of me knew we had already passed the point of no return once we slept together. If there weren't so many feelings involved, maybe we could've gone back to something platonic. Yet here I am, without a single doubt that he's the love of my life.

That shit hurts. To realize that I could have had this for longer, maybe things would've worked out way easier. Neither of us would've been having babies with other people. We would've gotten the hang of being in a relationship together, things would've been great. Why did the timing of everything suck so much dick? We happened too late.

It took 2 weeks for him and I to figure out we had something beautiful, amazing, genuine, and perfectly imperfect. After 9 years, everything changed in 2 weeks. Then after a single month, everything began to crumble. Another month of distance and pain led to this heartbreak. It took barely 2 months to lose the best thing that ever happened to me.

Without a doubt, it was the best thing that ever happened to me. Maybe I don't regret it. Maybe I'm just lost in the pain. Regardless, this week with him is such a blessing in disguise. I know it'll hurt when it's over, but for now at least we're making happier memories than the ones we have from the past few weeks. I can't wait for us to meet again after the babies are born and our lives start to feel more normal again. I'm excited for the future, like really far in the future. The near future is terrifying. But I'll ignore that for now.'

I was starting to get tired, so I turned off the lights as I continued running through how I felt. I decided that I was doing the right thing, and I need to stop feeling guilty about it. I no longer cared about what other people thought, and I would be loud and proud about it if I wanted to. I deserved this happiness, no matter how little time we had left. If I wanted it, I was going to have it. I grabbed my phone on a whim, deciding to text Judah. My newfound confidence and certainty took the reins.