The Butterfly and The Moth

30

I've always wondered how we can feel the light of morning, even when our eyes are shut so tightly.

One moment, you're floating inside your mind, basked in unconsciousness. Maybe it's peaceful; filled with ease and the promise of rest. Maybe, like mine; it's not peaceful at all.

Either way, one second you're asleep, unaware of the reality that lays around you. The next second—you can feel the rays of the sun on your skin. You can feel the way the sheets are wrapped around your skin. You can feel the way your lungs are inflating, and deflating.

And then your mind remembers all your problems.

Usually, it's not so sudden. Usually, it's like a small flame that hasn't yet breathed its own oxygen. Usually, that fire spreads slowly, gently creeping into your thoughts. But not this morning, not for me, and not for my mind.

My mind was filled with flames all at once. Suddenly, like a fire that was born from gas and not from wood. As soon as I was aware that I was awake, brought back to reality by the soft rays of light on my skin, I remembered what happened. My mind played through last night like it was a movie, like the camera in my mind had been stuck on record. It was quick, rapid like it was in fast forward. I wished for the movie to slow, but my wish was simply not granted.

Alcohol, that was the first thing the movie showed. Shots, wine, beer. Champagne with Tiff, beer with Leah, wine with Imara.

The crowds were the next thing I saw. The party, the house that was filled with teenagers who seemed to live with only ease. The music thumping so loud I could feel it in my skin. The air of recklessness, with fearlessness and a sense of invincibility exuding from the drunken youth.

And then came Sterling, my mind showed me him. My mind recalled his entrance, the way I felt my chest begin to stir when he parted the sea of teens with such ease. His hands around my waist as I threatened to fall. The way he spoke into my ear.

But my mind also showed me the game we played, and the truth that was forced out. It showed me the serious look he used to observe me, and the questions that spelled from his mouth. The questions that told more truth than my answers.

I saw the text messages. The confirmation. I saw the moment that I knew. I saw the moment that he knew.

I saw Jaylen, and the coke. The way he snorted the lines in the exact same way as Erik. I saw Colt, and I saw the way he saw me. I saw the garage, I saw my chest refusing to untighten. I saw the way I couldn't find oxygen. I saw Sterling again. I saw Sterling, again. I only saw Sterling.

I only saw Sterling, and the way he drove me home. I saw Sterling when he decided he needed to know the truth. I saw the hesitancy on his face, but not only on his face. I could feel it in his bones. He was wrecked with hesitancy, but he didn't let it stop him. He had figured it out. He had solved the mystery. Only, it was never a mystery to me. It was only a mystery to everyone else. It was a secret, and oath that was never meant to be broken. It was a promise, one that I had made to myself. It was a vow; a serious one.

But he had solved it.

Only... did he?

Did Erik rape you? Sterling had said the words that lit me on fire. Not in a good way. In the worst way. The flames burned me. They chewed on my skin and I was sure they had blistered me, charred me, eaten me.

That wasn't what happened. I thought Sterling had figured it out, but maybe he hadn't. In his complex equation, he had made a mistake. He gotten the wrong answer.

Finally, the movie in my mind ended. It ended with Sterling's face, leaned into to my own as he sat so close to my bed. He looked pained, he looked like the flames in the room were licking his skin, too. Although, maybe his skin wasn't coated in gasoline, the way mine were.