NO Love Club (Boy × Boy) ✔

38) SET DOWN YOUR BATTLE AX.

Cole Walker's POV 

I blinked, staring at mom while words completely deserted me. My mouth ran dry and I swallowed, while pondering immensely whether it was too late to turn around. It was, as I found out as soon as my hand brushed the handrim of my wheelchair, and mom moved swiftly to block my way out of the kitchen. 

Shit, shit, shit, shit.

"Do you want to go first, or should I start?" Mom asked, pushing my chair to the table and taking the chair opposite of me. When I still couldn't bring myself to say a word, mom sighed and started explaining: "I know I haven't always been the best mom for you, and especially not for Cody. I know that, and so does he. But I've been doing better, haven't I?"

"Yes." I whispered, croakily. 

"I'm seeing a therapist and I've made sure you, Cody and Chloe all get the best help we can afford." Mom reasoned before pursing her lips together. "I made a mistake — multiple mistakes — but I'm trying to do better. I don't know what else I could possibly do to make it up to you."

A tear slipped onto her cheek, and she made no effort to wipe it away. As I studied her, so beaten down and comfortless, I bit my lip so hard I could taste blood. Hadn't she noticed that I had, in all the quiet, already set down my battle ax and forgiven her? I hadn't raised my voice at her since Cody and I talked, and yet mom had been so busy waging a war against me that she didn't notice she was the only soldier still standing. 

"Why didn't.." I muttered, stumbling to a halt as mom lifted her gaze to look at me. "I just can't understand how you noticed my depression, but nothing that was going on with Cody. I was just fine, but Cody, he.. Uh. He would have needed help, not me."

"Cole." Mom said, emphatically. "You were not fine. You stopped talking to us for days and I had to force you to leave your room, and to shower and eat."

"I should have hidden it better then." I huffed. I drew in a shuddering breath, blinking my eyes to keep to the stupid tears from pouring out. 

"Why? So that we wouldn't have noticed how bad things were before you ended up in a hospital after a suicide attempt or something?" Mom shook her head, her voice growing softer. "I am glad I could at least help you. I even thought I hadn't managed to let you down like I did to Cody, but I have, haven't I?"

"No, mom, you're not listening." I snapped, desperate to make her understand. "I was the one to let Cody down. I should have noticed he wasn't doing well, but no, I was too blinded by his fake smiles and my stupid, meaningless problems."

"You can't blame yourself for something none of us noticed." Mom said, then brought her hand to her mouth, thinking. "It is not your responsibility to take care of your siblings, and I'll forever regret making Cody feel like it was his job to do so for you and Chloe."

"Then why did you?" I asked, still not quite believing that it wasn't my fault. I had grown so used to the smothering weight of guilt and self-hatred in my chest that letting go of it didn't even feel like a real option. I'm not sure whether I should have been happy or completely crushed realizing that all along my anger had been guilt and grief in disguise. 

"It is no excuse, but Cody was always such a mature and responsible kid that it was easy to forget that he was only a child just like you and Chloe. And.." Mom paused, taking in a deep breath, before admitting: "I don't want you to take this as an insult, but I see so much of myself in you."

"I don't.." I was about to say that I didn't yell and blame others for my mistakes, but wasn't that exactly what I had been doing ever since I found out about Cody's bullying? "I'm not.." What? Mean on purpose? Well, neither was mom.