Love You to Death~a Johnlock fanfic

The Argument.

I don't even know how to describe the terrible, demeaning, wretched guilt I feel right now. I really don't feel like writing but I guess I have to get this out somehow.

We were on a case like usual, and I accidentally left him at the scene. I was just trying to think and I totally forgot about him. I felt so bad and apologized over and over again but I know that wasn't enough. I just really didn't know how to make it up.
"You know I'm getting a little tired of you leaving me," he began.
"John, I'm so sorry-" I started to answer.
"Especially when you do it for, two, years." He gave me a dead look in the eyes.
"Oh. That."
I didn't really know what to say. I've just tried so hard to move on and I wronged him so much that I guess I just tried to ignore it but his feelings shouldn't be ignored. I'm such a horrible person.
"Oh, that?" He repeated.
"That's all you have to say? You listen to me-" he started the say with tears in his eyes.
"I had to watch my whole world,"
"Crash down right in front of me." He took a raspy, quick breath and continued.
"And I could do nothing about it. And deep down in my gut no matter how much I told myself or other people told me, I knew it was my fault."
Those words crushed my heart into a million pieces.
"No. It wasn't. I'm so sorry I did that to you I just... I didn't think that you would care that much." I looked at him. He looked back as if I just stabbed him in the heart.
"Wouldn't care? WOULDN'T CARE?" He screamed.
"THAT IS ALL I CARED ABOUT! FOR TWO FUCKING YEARS!"
"I-I'm really sorry." I said with tears rolling down my face and a huge lump in my throat.
He took a deep breath and looked in my eyes.
"Well maybe you should have thought of that before you decided to play hide-and-seek for two whole fucking years." He said softly in a hurt voice. He walked over to the door and walked out and slammed it shut. I was frozen right there. All I could do was watch him walk out of the flat onto the street and get a cab.

"What have a done?" I thought as a sat down to think. I couldn't focus. I just bowed my head and cried. I guess Mrs. Hudson heard the noise because I heard the door open about 10 seconds later.
"What was all that?" She said, looking and sounding startled.
"It was nothing. I need to be alone right now." I said trying not to show the tears locked in my eyes. My attempts failed however because next thing I knew, she was sitting right next to me asking me stupid questions like "what happened?" And "are you okay?" Like it was any of her business.
"It was nothing. Just a little argument. I'm fine." God, why can't people just mind their own business? I wanted to be alone so bad but I couldn't say that because then I'd hurt another person.

"You wouldn't be crying if it was just a little argument. What happened?" She asked sternly.

"He just got mad over something everything is fine, we're fine, I'm fine, it's okay." Please leave me alone.

"If you say so," she said getting up. Thank god.

"But tell me if you need anything."

I couldn't take it anymore. I know I shouldn't do this to myself and my family but I just couldn't help it. I got up and took my needle and syringe out of the little case I hid in my drawer. I really shouldn't do this. John would be so disappointed. But I needed them so bad right then though.
"It's just one injection, it will be fine." But, as the hours passed, one turned into two, two turned into three, and three turned into four until eventually there were three puncture marks on each wrist. I really hoped that he wouldn't find out. I really don't need to give him anything else to worry about. I wished everything could all just go away. I felt so bad. The injections didn't even help. I just sat on the couch and cried for hours.

When I finally got up, the clock on the oven said "3:37 am" in green neon letters. I supposed that I should go lay down, so I did. I didn't fall asleep though. I really wanted to call him to make sure he was alright but I didn't want to disturb him. What if he leaves me? I was so scared. I closed my eyes and tried to sleep again when I heard the door creak open.

"Sherlock?" He said in a soft voice.
I jumped up.

"Hey," I started.

"I'm so sorry I-" I said walking over to him when he interrupted,

"No, I'm sorry. I know you had to. I'm so sorry."
I just looked at him. He was apologizing. For something I had done. I couldn't let him do that!

"No! It was my fault. I should have told you. I'm so sorry." I couldn't help but to cry again.
He just hugged me and I rested my head on his shoulder. I hope he's not mad at me. I love him so much. We ended up laying down. John just stared at me and finally said,

"You know it's not your fault right?"
I wanted to cry so bad right then.

"What wasn't my fault?" I said in a low whisper.
He sighed.

"Everything." I could see tears in his eyes too.

"I wish I could tell myself the same thing." I said and refused to look him in the eyes.

"Look at me." He said and grabbed my chin so that we locked eyes.
"I know that I blamed you and I'm so sorry Sherlock. I am. But you did nothing wrong. You really tried to protect her. She jumped in front of you. It's not like you fired that bullet Sherlock! Stop blaming yourself, please." He said and looked at me so sincerely that I just wanted to break down and cry. That's what I did. I didn't say anything. I just started violently sobbing.

"It's okay. You can cry." He pulled me closer where I found my head against his chest. I said a few muffled apologies and then just cried to him for hours. I think I finally fell asleep around 5am. When I woke up, I saw him sitting on the edge of the bed looking at the ground.

"Well, I see somebody is up." He said smirking.
"Mh, what time is it?" I said sleepily, straining to get up and scratching my head.
"Hey, could I see your wrists for a second?"
My stomach dropped. It felt like my heart skipped a beat. I grabbed my sleeves.
"I uhh..." I said, staring at him wide-eyed.
Think Sherlock think! What could I say? How do I get out of this?
"Excuse me." I said nervously. I sped to the bathroom.
"What do I do?" I said lowly and frantically. There was no Make-up in the cabinet, there wasn't any way I could heal it this fast. I was just going to have to face this. I heard him already making his way to the door.

"Hey, it's okay if you did. I just need to see." He said calmly while he knocked on the door.
I slowly stumbled towards the door. I Held my hand on the handle for a few seconds and listened as the door creaked open. He grabbed my hands and pulled up both sleeves.
"Oh come on, six?" He said weakly with tears in his eyes.
"I'm sorry. I really needed them." I said and looked deeply into his eyes, mentally trying to stop those tears from forming.
"No, you don't need them. This has to stop Sherlock." He said and pulled down my sleeves.
Wow. First I leave him for two years, then I kill his wife, somehow get him to still like me, and now I destroy him with this stupid drug habit. I am such a horrible boyfriend. How can I live with myself?