Love You to Death~a Johnlock fanfic

Spiraling

I honestly don't know what to do. I feel like everything I do is wrong and I just want to do the right thing but I don't know what the right thing is. The only thing important and meaningful right now is him. I love him. I don't know what if do without him and I know I'm not good enough for him but I can't leave because I know that would hurt him. I feel so stuck, so lonely and scared. I mean I know that people do care and I am so grateful but I just can't seem to see how to show that back. I can't even reach out about it because I don't know how to explain it and I don't wanna offend people because I love them so much but I just want to be alone at the same time. Why am I contradicting myself? I am so confused right now. At least things are getting better. I mean I'm getting married in 2 months, I have some close friends, some people care about me. It's not that bad. Maybe I just need to appreciate things. It's just really hard to when you have a jungle of a mind like mine. It's okay though. I mean he loves me for who I am and that's all that matters.
Enough about me, let's talk about John and I. Two months and he will be John Holmes! I'll have a husband! I'm so excited to be with him forever. I really don't think anyone understands how much I love him. I was head over heels since day one. I've had so many strong emotions for him and I honestly just don't know how to express it. I love him so much I don't even know what to do with myself because I just want to be perfect for him but I can't be exactly perfect so I always feel embarrassed and flustered but he loves me anyway so what does it matter? Maybe that's what he likes about me. The desire to be perfect.