Fuck Blended Families

Just a moment

I ask for just a breath of hers, a word calling me momma. I can't seem to go on life knowing how much she hates me. But wait, which one because both my daughters hate me. The one that got away, or the one that is here because there's no other way. It hurts deeply knowing how much pain they are going through. I don't know how to live with myself. I contemplate suicide every moment of each day. I have a plan and it's just a pill away. But I'm that just moment I think about the little guy that also needs me and calls me the greatest mom ever. If he knew how much I caused pain to his sisters would he still see me the same way? Knowing that his older sister is cutting and hurting herself because I have her living here with his dad the monster. Would he still love me? If he knew that his oldest sister left because I wouldn't leave his dad and jeopardize her future would he still love me? It's moments like that when I think to myself that they are better off me being dead. At least at that point they can start grieving the loss of a mother. Well if that's what you call a mother. I reach out everyday with a text, just to let her know I'm thinking about her. I'm talking about the oldest Topanga. But no response, nothing !!! Now with the middle child Aleena she still talks to me when she wants to and I think somehow she still sees redemption in me. But the. Remembers her pain and reminds me that I'm a failure of a mother. She might be right!!! I mean I have been horrible to them. I've chosen a man over them, so that's how they see it. But the truth is I have chosen fear and commodity. I don't have to fight life alone. That's what I've been telling myself for years. I dont understand myself, because I have been an independent person before him. I don't know what happened, I mean he offer me to stay home and finish my degree and I would be taken care off. Nobody ever offer me a such a deal. So I thought what a wonderful deal. And now 8 years later I still have no degree because I can't afford to pay for it. But that's another story for another day. I fell in love with the idea of having a husband who wanted to take care of me and my kids. But I should of known better good things are rare in this world. Well at least in my situation. Things have never been that easy, pretty hard I might add. But anyways the important people here are my kids. I don't know how I can be such fool and allowed so many bad things to happen. My husband has criticized my daughters bodies he has shamed them for what they wear and has sexualized their body. My oldest one has been his target ever since she started developing and I didn't see it. I thought he genuinely care for her well being. And now my daughter has extremely low self esteem and feels disgusted with herself because this man has planted negative seeds in her heart. The ironic thing is that his own daughters dress slutty. Yes you will say "aren't you doing the same as he did to yours" well I am doing it to prove a freaking point. A freaking double standard on his end. Just because they are tiny petite little monsters don't get a free pass. Those two are little bitches that deserve to be treated just as bad his father has treated mine. Why? Because of them his father has scolded mine with no repercussions. I know at the end it's my fault because I didn't leave. I stood up for them, I did I said No in many ways, but I didn't leave that's the problem. How do I get out!!!!! How!!!! I'm so fucken scared!!!! I'm afraid to get my things and go!!! I don't know why. I feel like he will take my son away. Or that I'm not going to be able to pay rent on my own. I can't stand him or his monsters . I see them and I want to throw up, especially when they are getting everything they want but he won't waste a dollar on our son. That is heartbreaking. I wish someone will save me from this nightmare. My mom says those are just wishing thoughts. No one will ever save you.