Just A Thought

17

I wake up in someone's arms. Zach is lying behind me with my back to his front, his arm is around my waist and I can feel his warm breath on my neck.

Everything that happened yesterday comes back and I smile.

I slowly turn around trying to not wake Zach up but it's too late. He's already staring at me with those beautiful green eyes.

Before I can say anything, he catches my mouth with his and pulls me into a warm kiss.

He gently pushes me on my back and he's now on top of me. He buries his head in my neck like I did yesterday and I stroke his messy hair.

"Hi." He mumbles with that sleepy morning voice.

"Hey." I whisper in his hair.

We stay like that for some time.

"I have to go to the bathroom." I say quietly because I don't know if he's asleep again.

He protests but then lets me out. I stand up and darkness comes back. Zach puts his arms around me and after a few seconds I can normally see again. I sit down on the bed with Zach hugging me from behind.

"You okay?"

"Yeah. It's just low iron and bad blood flow." I tell him.

"Oh. Are you taking meds?" He asks.

Which ones?

I'm kidding.

I shake with my head.

"Tell me or Alex if you need them and we will drive you to a doctor, okay?"

"Yeah." I get up again and go in the bathroom.

I do my business, wash my face and then take a deep breath as I stare at myself in the mirror. I lift up my shirt and pull down my pants so I can see my thighs. Will the bruises ever fade? Will my scars? I close my eyes when their voice comes back.

But another thought quiets those. There's a chance I'm pregnant, isn't there?

My periods are irregular because of my mental health and all the things I'm dealing with, so I can't just wait a week to see if I'm late. It could take months. I don't think I'm pregnant, though.

Zach is still lying on his bed watching me when I come back.

I smile trying to cover up how I'm feeling. Will I ruin him with my problems? Will he leave me if I tell him?

I notice he noticed my mood shifted so I quickly get back in bed and he puts a blanket over me.

Fuck. I really need it.

"You okay?"

I nod with my head on his chest so he can't see my face. I just stare at the door. I need it so bad.

I feel him kiss my head.

I lift my head up and kiss him on the lips when we get interrupted. Someone opens the door.

"Why do I always catch you two together in bed?" Lach yells as he makes sure everybody in this house hears.

Zach looks at me apologeticly and throws Lach out of the room.

Then I go in my room and lock myself in the bathroom. I take the blade and put it on my left wrist. I press it down on my bruised skin and pull it across. I do it again and then do it on my thighs over the ones that started fading. It's just a few cuts.

I stand up and my legs are shaking as pain shoots through my arm. The fuck did I do now?

I just stand there, staring at my cuts, at what I did. I wait for the blood to stop and then I clean everything up.