Just A Thought

27

TW: drugs, sh, suicide attempt

VALERI

I've been staring at the wall opposite my bed for the past couple of hours. I lost track of time, but I can tell it's evening. I'm turning eighteen tonight. Or at least I am supposed to.

Others are downstairs, having fun and waiting for Alex to turn eighteen. No one is waiting for me though. My brother came in my room a few times but I didn't say much. He tried to cheer me up but I know he's doing it just because we're related. He thinks of me the same as the others.

I honestly don't know what I'm doing. I can't sleep because of flashbacks, I can't eat because it makes me want to throw up, I can't go downstairs because no one likes me there. They don't want me and they have every right for it.

I took some pills but they don't help me anymore. I'm hopeless and exhausted. I'm done with everything.

I'll go downstairs now. I want to see them one last time. I slowly get up, my body is aching from not eating and from too much pills.

I get to the door and turn the doorknob. I walk down the hall. Their voices get louder. I walk down the stairs and stop.

I take a deep breath and enter.

Everyone looks at me but then continues to act as if I wasn't there.

I don't know what's worse. Madelin saying that yesterday or getting ignored by all of them.

I let out a breath and sit down next to Alex. He smiles at me. I'm going to miss him. "How are you?" He quietly says.

I shrug with my shoulders. "Fine, I guess." I look down at my shaky hands. Not gonna lie, I'm scared.

"I don't see you very often, Valeri. I want to see you more." He says.

For real?

Or is he saying that out of pity?

I nod but I can't look at him. Not with what I'm planning on doing tonight.

I look around the table. Ayna and Mers are holding each other's hands, Lach is annoying Kian. Madelin is staring at me with a wary expression. I look at Zach last. He's talking to my brother and I can't stop looking at him. I wish I could run into his arms. I miss his touch and his reassuring words, his smile and the way he talks. I want to tell him so bad, I don't want him hurting because of me.

"Do you want something to eat?" I shake with my head. "I'm making you something whether you like it or not."

"I'm really not hungry." I say.

He just pats my head and goes to the fridge. I can see other's burning gazes on me now and they make me feel uncomfortable. I shift in my seat and look at the clock.

11:25PM

Half an hour left.

Although I'm scared, I think I'm ready.

Alex puts a plate of pasta infront of me. "I'm not really hungry, Alex."

"Be grateful." I see Madelin roll her eyes. "For a druggie that you are, you should be grateful."

The words cut right through me and it feels like somebody just stabbed my heart. This burning pain in my chest.

"I- I'll go." I quickly stand up and leave the kitchen. Tears are threatening to fall down my cheeks. I'm pathetic for being so emotional. I'm so weak. I run up the stairs, although I hear someone following me.

"Valeri." My brother calls me. He grabs my wrist so I turn around and look at him. Tears have already spilled down my face and I can't seem to stop them.