Cover Girl

𝖿᥆r𝗍ᥡ-𝗍ᥕ᥆ - 𝖿ᥲᥡᥱ

8

I could tell the bags under my eyes were more visible than anything. I could feel them.

My agent called me an hour ago, telling me to come to a photo shoot, which is where I was headed now. Kai tried to subtly hint at coming, but I wasn't feeling like any more drama.

I pulled into the building and walked inside. I was surrounded by people within seconds, ripping off my clothes and putting makeup on my face.

Once I was ready and in the black jumpsuit, I walked up to the backdrop and began posing.

My body felt tired and worn out, but I kept going. Despite my exhaustion, I knew I wouldn't be able to fall asleep. I hadn't been able to for the past week.

I wasn't sure where insomnia had come from.  Ever since Brielle's alleged "death" I had barely laid down.  I had been working on everything in my life right now, only a thought or two of sleep comes during the day.

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw a brunette figure.  I whipped my head over and saw Brielle standing in the back of the room.  I went to wave but was interrupted by the director.

"Eyes," he commanded, signaling me to look into the camera.  I obliged, and when I finally looked back over t the back of the room, the figure was gone.

I shook it off and continued to the next outfit.

***********

The day dragged on slowly.  Izzie and Kylie had invited me to go bowling with them for new years and to catch up.  I had never been a fan of the holiday, it was always just there.  Why celebrate another year you didn't want to live?

I make it sound much more dramatic than it is.  I just needed to stop saying those things and maybe people won't treat me as psychotically.

I pulled into the bowling alley and walked inside.  I glanced and saw Izzie and Kylie already there, along with a couple of extra guests. 

Charlie and Kai.

Charlie, I could deal with, but I didn't know if I could bear another apology coming out of Kai's mouth.

I hesitantly walked over to them after seriously debating going home.  I figured I should just suck it up and make other people happy rather than selfishly take my own happiness.

My head felt as if it was floating as I heard their screams and felt their arms wrap around my frail body.

"Hey babe," Kai greeted sweetly, wrapping his arms around me.  I felt him softly kiss the side of my head.

He lingered on his hug for a couple of seconds too long, as if I'd disappear.  I wanted to, but it wasn't going to happen.

Charlie was up first and threw his ball while I sat at the table.  Kai went to go get me shoes and Izzie and Kylie were both talking.

I sighed heavily and leaned my hands against my head.  I could feel exhaustion start to overtake me, but I didn't give in.

"I'm back," Kai smiled down at me, setting the shoes next to my face and taking the seat next to me.  He kissed the side of my head again and set a drink down in front of me.  "I got you a Sprite.  I didn't know if you'd like it because I don't see you drink much other than water, but I figured you might," he told me bashfully, "Are you okay?  You don't look good."

I was in the middle of putting my shoes on when I replied, "Thank you, Kai.  And I'm okay, I'm just tired, nothing new."

I finished tying the second shoe and sat back in the seat.  As soon as I had, Kai wrapped his arm against me and pulled me against his body.

"Sleep, it's okay.  We don't mind," he whispered in my ear, stroking my hair.

I finally gave in to the comfort and fatigue and eventually shut my eyes.

***********

"Faye," I felt a shake in my body and heard a familiar voice, "Faye, wake up."

I slowly opened my eyes to see Kai staring back at me.  I rubbed my face at the bright light before blinking repeatedly.

We were in the backseat of Izzie's car.  It was just us three.  I instantly felt guilty.

"Sorry.  I should've been here today."

Kai shushed me, and before I knew it, I was being carried bridal style out of the car.  I instantly wanted to sleep again.

He brought me up to my room and set me down on my bed.  By that time I wasn't sure if I was half asleep or fully awake.

He kissed my forehead, mumbling, "I love you," before leaving the room.

I wanted to give into the comfort of my mattress, but I'd already chosen comfort once today.  I sat up and walked to the bathroom.  I glanced at the full-length mirror against the wall, turning to my side.

I grabbed the skin of my stomach, wishing I couldn't.    I have been wasting every moment of my life praying I could look the way other girls do, yet I still don't.  I'm the "it girl" everyone wishes they were when all I wanted to be is like them.  I wanted to be what society deemed as "normal" even though there isn't a "normal".  You're either everything or you're nothing.  There isn't any in between.  Whatever you've been marked as is what you have to put up with for a lot of time.  You don't get to change or choose.  Nobody knows how to.

People spend more time not having fun, just trying to take photos for social media to look like they're having the time of their lives.  As soon as the camera is off, so if the smiles and the joy.  They do all of these things while feigning joy just because they want other people to believe that they are having a good time.  They'd rather create worlds of envy than actually have a good time.  And once you're in that mindset, it's hard to get out of.  I've been stuck in it for years.

Society depicts what men and women "should be" and gives them immense amounts of insecurity, and for what?  A little attention?  Nobody even talks to each other anymore.  Everyone is glued to a little screen that is sucking the life out of them.  Always in little bits and pieces so you don't notice, not until it's gone.  When it's gone,  you'll never really know if you can get it back.  Sometimes you don't even remember what it was like, to be that happy.  You remember it's good and that you want it back, but you don't remember the feeling of it.  You don't remember how amazing it might feel.  So you don't strive for it because it seems too difficult and so far away.  You stay in the ghost of yourself and make it your new normal.

When you've been in your own shadow for so long, everything starts to feel like it isn't right.  Like you're doing something wrong like you're in the wrong.  It takes so long for people to realize that it isn't normal, but even then, you just grow to not care.  You start saying you're fine or happy when all you want is for the world to swallow you whole.  You hide behind a mask until it begins to deteriorate and become see-through.  You force yourself to believe you can do it on your own when all you want to feel is that you aren't alone.  That's when you start your low.  It's easy to get into your lows, but it seems impossible to get out of.

I know I could get out of my low with enough time, but it also feels as if I can't do anything at any point in the near future.  I can't think or work or feel or talk without the little voice in my head whispering lies into my ear that I depict as true.  The lies also come from the deception of social media. 

"Your lips could be bigger"

"Your stomach could be smaller"

"Your eyes could be prettier"

"Your chest is too small"

"Your butt is too small"

"Your nose is too big"

It's all lies, but you are told to believe that it's true.  No one person fits all the "standards," so why are they set?  You can't be as pretty as that girl but they can't be as pretty as another girl.  It's an ongoing cycle said to be true.  We all know it's not, but we believe it anyways because it's what we were taught.

Until we decide to change it, that is.

QOTD: What is something you've never forgotten?

Word Count: 1475