everything i told you

everything i said

tw sex talk, self harm :

later that night, we both get horny

 were about to have sex, he's about to pull my sleeves up. i start to freak out, but my sleeves are half way up my arms. i hide my arms behind my back, he slowly pulls them back infront of me, holds my wrists and looks at them, hes not saying anything?  why isnt he saying anything? i question. he pulls my pants down, and we start "doing it".

a few hours after were lying down in bed, im half asleep, but tears form. i ask myself why he didnt say anything, if maybe hes mad at me for relapsing, stuff like that. 

he pulls me up next to him , making me face him and says " love, i saw the scars. im not mad, im just worried, you could have told me, you know ? " he says as he leaves a small frown of sadness. 

i start to freak out, holding my tears in trying to hide eye contact as i say, " i, uh, i, i dont know what happened, i just, i didnt want to do it, but i just needed to, the sensation, i just, it caused me to relapse, i didnt mean to i just " i get cut off by tears dropping down my face, trying to control them.

i start breathing heavily trying to hold back the tears. i get up and say " im sorry " and walk over to the bathroom, i sit down on the floor just breaking down hoping he sees me the same way that he did when i didnt have scars all over my arms. " i ruined my wrists, they wont ever leave. im gonna wake up when i get older and look at my wrist and think that my teenage self ruined my body, all those scars just because small things happened or because i just missed the burning sensation. 

jonathan ( my boyfriend ) knocks on the door, " love, please can i come in. " he sounds sad. i 100% just ruined his mood. i respond in a whispery voice with " i cant , i need to be alone for a few minutes " he walks away. 

19 minutes pass by and im still in the bathroom trying to catch my breath. i wipe the tears off and look at myself in the mirror, while smilling. when the tears are gone i open the bathroom door and get back to bed and slowly fall asleep. 

i wake up 3 hours later and its 4:46 AM, i look next to me and see jonathan laying down fast asleep next to me. i slowly grab his hand into mine, and realize that he knows i relapsed, tears form again as i cry trying to stay quiet, so he doesnt wake up.