everything i told you

jonathans week.

i wake up at 6:48 am. i have school. 

i wake up to my eyes all puffed up. i have a memory of what happened yesterday. i start breaking down again. theres no way im going to school. i stayed in  bed all day crying.

the next day i woke up at the same time, i dont have any motivation to get out of bed, go anywhere. so i just stayed home.

the next day, i skip school again. i feel like i cant move. after school one of my friends sam ring on my doorbell. my heart skipps a beat, i think its charlie. but no its him, " hey bro what you doing, we were supposed to hang with the others today, and you havent been at school all week? " he says

i look straight up at him with my red puffy eyes, and say " yeah man, i, sorry , i havent been doing to well, tell the other i cant hang for this week or more, sorry " i slowly start to close the door but before i can, he slides in my house, doesnt look at me, just lets himself in. " damn this house is a mess bro" i tell him i havent had motivation to do anything other than stay in bed all day. 

he looks me in the eyes and says " man what happened? your eyes, your house, your face. something happened man. im here explain. " he brings chairs and tells me to sit down. 

i tell him that stuff indeed happened. and that what happened was completly my fault. he tells me to explain , he looks worried. i make sure to tell him not to tell the others since i dont want anyone worried about me.

" well just stuff happened with my girlfriend, i wasnt there for her and, she did stuff to herself, all because of me.

the tears are coming back. 

he tells me to explain what i did and what do i mean by she did things to herself. 

so i do. 

" she cuts herself sam, she cut herself. i found out, i told her that its okay to relapse, and that i love her. shes perfect and that i love her. but when i asked earlier if she relapsed she said no, i believed her. i kind of lashed out at her at the end, i said the wrong words in the wrong tone, i didnt mean to i just didnt know what to say or how to react and i " i break down while barely being able to breath. " and then when i fell asleep, she took a lot of pills. sam, a lot. " 

and it was all. my. fault.