Desire (Book #2)

Chapter 32

I've been laying here for a couple of hours just replaying Dr. Francisco's words. I mean I already knew I would have a small percentage of ever getting pregnant after Tony but when he said I have slim to zero chances of ever getting pregnant again, which broke my heart. I can't help it think of all the times Tony has said that he wants a sister or a brother for him to play with. I've just been here crying and I know there are many options out there for me to have a kid but I don't know. I had this dream since I was pregnant with Tony of Luca just being there for everything and I don't know I guess I kind of always dreamt of that day.

Reality always seems to break my heart just a little more or whatever is left of it. He also said I would need a lot of recovery and help for a couple of weeks because he doesn't want me to do too much strength or break one of the stitches on my stomach. He wants me to heal well.

I feel bad for the way I talked to Luca but I just look at him and I just melt and start crying. I'm so tired of crying I just want to move past this. I just need to move past this because I feel like if I spend one more second falling apart that I'll never stand up and move on. I want to move on for Tony, he needs me and I need him. He is the reason for my existence and I will not fail him in everything I've promised him. I still need a lot more to do and call it denial or whatever but I will not choose to sit here and cry about everything that has happened.

Life is too short for me to not move on before I know it Tony will be a grown man and I need to be there to pull his ears every time he messes up. I still need a lot more.

4 weeks have past

longest 4 weeks of my life. I hated every step of it, I hated that I needed help for everything even going to the fucking toilet. What I hate the most is how Luca hasn't stopped helping me even when I've called him every name in the book, he is always here like gum stuck on my shoe, annoying.

Dom is who I bug the most and who I've talked to the most about random things. The other day he asked me what I think a woman finds romantic, I'm pretty sure he might've found his woman but doesn't want to say anything or doesn't want to admit it.

He came in and brought food, it's become a routine for us to eat together since going down the stairs would be very painful with my ribs still hurting like hell but they are getting better. At least they don't hurt as much and the bruises have started to fade. Some have faded as if they were never there but other scars will be a reminder. "Can I ask you a question?" Dom says and I put down my fork and look at him.

"Sure" I say not minding having a conversation with him or him asking things because he has never asked about what happened. "Why am I the only one you let in or to help you? Why me and not Luca?" he asks waiting anxiously for my response. I look at him "Because you're the only one that doesn't look at me with pity or treats me like if you move me I'll break and the big boss killing you. Either they fear touching me or they have pity in their eyes. So yes I very much prefer you when you just see me." I say and I go back to pick up the fork

"He's just worried you know" he says catching my attention again knowing he's talking about Luca. "He's been sick worried ever since you started coughing up blood, you should've seen him when you went to surgery, he was a mess" I look up at him again. "He started panicking that you would die on him and this time for real. You really mess him up so yea I don't look at you that why but I think he just looks at you and his grateful that you are here that's all." he says but I don't say nothing, I understand it but I have no space to understand him.

My mind has no space to think of his feelings, my mind thinks 24/7 about everything, so much that it hurts me. I feel tired and depressed but I have to fake that I'm doing better so they all could just leave me alone and stop acting like if I'm a baby who can't be left by herself. I want to do better, I do, it's just I can't, I promise I'm trying my hardest for my baby but I can't.

At night they all haunt me in my dreams, I see all of them, I feel their hands on me trying to hold me down to stay still for their pleasure. I can't escape them until I wake up screaming in silence to not wake up anyone, feeling my chest heavy, my tear falling.

I feel like tearing off my skin, I feel dirty, I feel like I'm nothing, absolutely nothing. I cry and I cry until eventually my body is tired and my eyes are heavy and I go back to the hell I dream of.

I feel someone moving me but I can't escape him he has me choked my the neck and I feel like I can't breathe.

"Victoria! Victoria! I need you to wake up! Come on love! Please! Please it's just a dream please wake up!" I hear from afar but I can't reach that voice, I feel myself fading away. "Come on!" the voice says and all of the sudden I open my eyes and I'm meet with his blue eyes glossy. The lines on his forehead of worriness that I have caused him. He quickly takes me into his arms and I was too busy looking at him that I didn't even notices I'm crying.

I'm crying but I feel nothing, I'm not sad, or angry, nor happy, they're just coming out with no explanation. I just lay here in his arms numb and crying.

He let's go a little bit for him to see me and he just looks at me with caring eyes. "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry this world has failed you so much" he moves my hair back away from my face. "This world doesn't deserve you, this world doesn't know how special you are. How beautiful you'll always be and even if those beautiful eyes I know aren't here anymore. I'll do my best every day to show you that you are my world and that in my world you are the most precious human being I had ever met and I would never change you for anything else. You gave me the second most precious human I had ever met. You know you are his world and I know he is yours. All I ask is to let me in that world, don't push me away anymore."

He said and we just lay here, feeling his chest rise and fall bringing me at peace. I hold onto him tighter and find my spot where I finally feel like I can breathe now.

You are my world too, Luca

I know I hadn't posted in a long time and I had kept writing but none of the chapters I wrote I liked and I never want to post something I don't like or don't enjoy reading myself. After not liking them I lost motivation to write again but today I sat down and wrote these two chapters I hope you enjoy and I couldn't thank you enough for being patient.