Life After Z

Chapter 35 - Cooper

I couldn't take lying here staring at the white ceiling and listening to the heart monitor for one more second. I didn't care if I was shot just a day ago, I needed to be doing something. Anything other than laying around remembering the moment that I decided to sacrifice Ivy for our own skin. I still hadn't seen her since the heavy duty pain killers wore off and I had some serious groveling to do.

I slowly and painfully got myself off the gurney and pulled off all of the monitoring equipment and even disconnected my I.V. It took a while but eventually I made it through the library and into the greenhouse. I found Lucas and Sebbie pulling carrots and cutting lettuce. One look at Lucas told me all I needed to know. His attempt at talking to Ivy hadn't gone well and he was practically devastated.

This was my fault and thus my responsibility to fix it.

I gave Lucas a questioning glance and he pointed to the far end of the green house. At the end of the room I found a single door and assumed this is where Lucas was telling me to go. I forgot that Everett told me that Ivy's room was off the green house and barged through thinking that it would be another communal space. Ivy startled and whipped around her head to see me and Milo jumped up from the bed and started growling at me.

"I'm sorry. I didn't realize what was through this door," I stammered out while taking a glance at the rest of the room. It was breathtaking. A full dome of glass allowing all of the afternoon light in at all angles and providing a spectacular view of the entire hamlet of a town. Ivy was standing while hugging herself and I assumed that I interrupted her deep in thought.

"You should be resting," she stated without any real concern and then turned back to looking out at the town. I guess I should just be glad that she feels safe enough with me to turn her back on me, but the only thing I was feeling was rejection. Which was ridiculous. Ivy had every right to feel angry and she owed me jack shit.

"Listen, I was actually looking for you. I was hoping that we could talk," I said and leaned against the door frame. Just standing here was draining my small amount of energy reserves. I pointed at the chair sitting to her right and asked, "May I?"

Ivy raised her arm in the direction of the chair but I could easily read the frustration in her gesture. This was a bad idea. We had already invaded her safe place. I really shouldn't be here pushing my presence on her in her personal space. I should have waited for her to come to me, whether I was going crazy or not.

"Never mind. I didn't mean to barge in on you. I will go," I tried to backpedal and turned to leave when she stopped me.

"Copper, stay. You clearly have something you want to say. Might as well say it now," Ivy said and I could hear her weariness in her voice. The dog must have been able to hear it too because after growling at me one last time, he walked up to Ivy and sat on her feet, leaning his big body against her legs.

I took a deep breath and decided to bite the bullet. My mind raced with different ways that I could explain my choices as I slowly walked over and sat in the chair. There was a large set of high-end binoculars on a little table by the chair telling me that Ivy spent a good amount of time sitting here on watch.

"I am sorry," I said, knowing that while I had my reasons for doing what I did, those reasons didn't change that my actions were wrong. "I should have figured out another way out of that situation. I'm sorry that I betrayed you."

Ivy took a moment to look down at the floor and I noticed that her hands were clenched into tight fists. When she looked up at me, I saw soul deep pain mixed with fury. "What am I supposed to do with that? You are sorry. So what? You know what those men would have done to me. They were more than halfway to doing the same to Jen and you still threw me at them like some sort of fucked up anti at a high stakes poker game. Even worse is that you believed that I was a part of an entire community of people and you were still willing to sacrifice us to buy yourself just a little more time. Well it worked. You are alive. You are here. What now? What do we do now, Copper?"

"What happens now is up to you." I hate that this decision is out of my control but no matter what she believes we will do, we will respect her choice. It is the very least we can do. "If you ask us to leave, we will leave. No matter what you overheard when we were playing a part with those pirates. We are not here to take anything from you. We are unbelievably grateful for all that you have done and all that you have shared with us. I know that each of us can see us building a future here but it isn't up to us. It is the future that you picture that matters.

"You also don't have to make that decision today or even tomorrow. Take some time. Get to know us. Let us show you what we could contribute. What life would be like with us here," I finished, praying that she would give us this chance. I knew that we didn't deserve it but I was still optimistic enough to hope for it.

"And what exactly do you think you can contribute that I don't already have covered?" Ivy asked, her anger overtaking the pain that I saw earlier. "I have been keeping myself safe for well over a year. I built this place and have no problem taking care of it without your help. Seems to me that you will be taking a whole hell of a lot more than you can bring to the table."

That one hit home. She was right. I was so used to people needing me to provide for them, especially since Z-day, but Ivy didn't need that from me. Quite the opposite. She has done better for herself than I could have ever done, even if I had stumbled onto a place like this. And she had done it without a single iota of help. Talk about intimidating.

"We can bring companionship. People are social beings. You can't tell me that you didn't suffer all of those months that you were alone because I won't believe you. If I had to guess, I would say that the reason that you were able to accomplish so much here is because you worked day in and day out till you dropped, just trying to keep the loneliness at bay."

I must have hit a nerve with that one because Ivy dropped her arms and took a step towards me, dislodging Milo in the process. "Why do you think I spent the time to help you out in the first place? Am I lonely? Of course I am. I am so lonely that I took a risk that was against my better judgment. I took a risk on you and right when I was about to give in and trust you enough to allow you in, you went and proved me wrong in the biggest way possible, leaving me with two choices. I can either be an unforgiving bitch that throws you out and return to the desolation I have been living in for fifteen months or I can spend the rest of my days with people that I know I can't trust. Neither is a good option, but you are right about one thing. It is my choice. So why don't you go eat my food, take more of my antibiotics, and enjoy the safety of my home while I make the decision if I would rather be alone or unsafe."

I was practically buzzing with the need to once again reassure her that she was safe with us. That we would never do anything to harm her. But I had said those things before and then shit all over them. She wouldn't believe a single word out of my mouth and all I was doing here was digging a bigger hole. So feeling like the biggest asshole in the world, I walked out of Ivy's room with one thing on my mind.

I had to do something to prove to her that there was a third option.