Fame | A Tomdaya Romance

Chapter 22

Now

Now that I'm thinking about it, stopping therapy was the biggest mistake I ever made. Now that I'm back to my regular sessions, I feel so much more at peace with myself, with this. So much so that, with only a day until I next fly away - I want to take him with me. I earn enough money to retain him full time, is that a crazy idea? I don't know, I just know that I don't want to go back to where I was. The darkness that ate me up.

We've spoken about it a lot, really dissected every second of it - and I've come out understanding two things - firstly, that what I've experienced is a normal part of navigating what I went through and secondly, that I am in control of what I let the media take from me. The second one is key - because right now, what I have feels like everything.

I've spoken about her too, of course - I mean how couldn't I? He's really helped me understand all of this as well. I've been honest with him, because he is the only person that I would really delve that far into the truth with anyway - and it's made me feel less mad. He's assured me that it's a normal part of falling in love, of loving someone - to have acted the way I have and felt the things I have. We've agreed on the areas I need to work on, like not shutting off other people in my life - you know - that kind of stuff.

It's with that in mind that I've spent the week that since she left ensuring that I have done just that, spend quality time with my friends and family. Then, I'm off to Baton Rouge of all places for an intense one month filming schedule, then it's back to Atlanta to kick it all off for potentially the last time.

Mums over the moon about it, and I think my brothers have really appreciated the time too - all of us being together like this, in what has felt like the most calm time together we've had since it all began. I've had chances to walk Tessa in the mornings before most people wake up and re-live the life I had before all of it.

God, walking back in Richmond park with Tessa is as close to normal I have felt in a very long time - the other early birds don't even look twice at the guy in the baseball cap walking his dog through the midst of the trees. It is heaven. I always took this park for granted, it's magical - god I fucking miss it. I've hiked in LA, seen the beautiful greenery in different states all across the US - and nothing comes close to the magic of Richmond Park for me.

This is almost as good as therapy, if I'm honest - the fresh morning air, Tessa over the moon to be with me, throwing balls and running alongside her. I remember walking here, before - walking here and dreaming of the life I have now - of filming movies, of being the front man, of flying around the world. I don't regret my choice, how can I when I now have her - but I do wonder - what would my world have looked like if I hadn't made the choice I did?

I stop my own thought process, what is the point? I know Z would be worried if she knew how much I played this game in my mind, my therapist hates it enough. But she is so much more used to it, she chose this so much earlier in life than I did. This is all she's known. But maybe we should talk about it more, because surely - even with her used to it and all, it still must suck sometimes for her too?

I'll ask her about it one night in Atlanta. Hopefully in the same room this time.

Then

I went to bed last night the happiest I have felt, maybe ever. But from the moment I saw her this morning, it disappeared, there was a the look in her eyes that makes me thinks she wants to forget it all. So now I'm going to have to as well. If that's what she wants.

I thought perhaps last night was the start of something, the way she and I held hands in the car home and how I kissed her goodbye softly in the lift at her floor. High as a kite on the possibility of it all.

Now I see hesitation within her, her body language shielded against me as we play games in the press junket, I watch as she walked out the moment we get a break. Have I fucked up? I thought she was on board, she seemed to be into it last night - but maybe I read her wrong. Maybe I should have stayed in my lane.

It takes a few hours for me to turn off the memory reel in my head, and I'm resolute that I will not let it ruin our friendship. She is still my best friend, I still need her. I'm going to have to pretend it never happened. I'll have to save it for the time's I go to sleep and dream of her.

"Hey guys, do you want to go to dinner tonight?" Jacob is in the middle of us and I'm not sure he can sense the tension between us, naturally a good thing. Probably best to get back into our old routine, I nod, "Don't think I've got anything else in my schedule" I joke, "what you thinking?"

"There's a restaurant with an arcade that I've heard about, it sounds sick" he replied, "you in Daya?" Jacob's enthusiasm is calming me. Z looks at me for just a moment, I'm trying to show her that it's okay, that we need to do this. I smile at her and within a few seconds she is nodding, "Sounds good".

As I wait in the room for Theo to come and get me to take me to my car, I stare at my phone, open on our text conversation. I've typed and deleted a message out at least five times now. I just want to tell her that I'm sorry, and that I still want to be friends - that I can't lose this.

Nothing I write seems good enough, and so I give up. Instead I head to the mini bar and pour myself a drink.

Perhaps drunk it wont feel like such a low blow to have had my one chance at happiness slip right out of my reach.