BTS SMUTS°

idk (not bts related)

I was in the doorway when it hit me, all of it. I broke down, hand covering my face, muffling my cry. And seeing my empty bed made it all worse. I finally realized it. The lasts. How I didn't want to shower because it meant washing away the spit from your lips on my neck. How I didn't want to wash the last sweater I wore because it was the last thing you smelled from me. How I didn't want to brush away the taste of the last burger we had in your room or the remnants of the taste of your skin. How I didn't want to touch the pillow that we both fought to use. Or how I didn't want to watch any new movies because you're never gonna be there to hear my review. How I didn't want to put the last glass you used in the dishwasher because the grease of your fingerprints remain there visible and it might just be the closest thing I have to holding your hands.

What if the day comes I can no longer feel you? In my covers, in my bed, in my pillows, your absence grows stronger everyday that someday I will have to force myself to let it go. That the today that we had, someday becomes this hazy blurry memory I can no longer recall properly. All the beautiful details that made me smile, can only disperse into thin air and not a single trigger can make me remember it. I don't want to cross a street forgetting that there used to be you guiding me from the small of my back. Or visit a convenience store and there's no you to ask me what I want. Maybe for the next few months, or hell, years, I will miss you so hard, but I worry for the next when I don't anymore. You have made me so happy that forgetting you was like leaving a childhood dream behind.

Even the fights, the agonizing wait for your calls, the heartbreaking standing me ups, the unreasonable jealousies. Even in the worst moments, I find myself fighting to take it all back. Even the funny moments, the embarrassing ones like laughing in the middle of a kiss, the voice cracks, the disgusting parts like the horrible smell of our sweat after walking a while, the wiping of the snot, and our breaths in the morning.

The more scary thing than forgetting you is not finding anyone who can make me feel as good as you have. Whether it's the sex or the compliments, nothing and nobody has ever made me feel like you do.

How am I supposed to wear your favorite dress without you to see it anymore? Do I just leave it in my closet to rot? All the clothes and all the lingerie I bought to impress you, how is it ever going to feel right wearing it for someone else? Who do I tell when I've got a funny story to share? There's never gonna be another text when I get home asking me to call you. The alarms I've set on my phone to wake me up during Saturdays because that's when we always go on a date. Would the receptionist at that motel we used to check-in at remember too? What about your neighbors who gave me constant stares because of how loud the night before was? Would these people wonder what happened to us? Or it will always be me, alone, in these desperate attempts to remember... To always remember.

Tomorrow, I'll wake up, hours away from the last time I saw you. Then I'll wake up the next day and the next, until they become weeks, they become months, my mind straying further from that day. The day I don't ever want to forget that God could take all the other days in my life, and leaving that one specific day would be enough to keep me smiling for the rest of my life.

The thing is I will never be able to make you feel how much I miss you. Missing you is a useless feeling, because it's no longer loving you.