Psycho Hot (BoyxBoy)

THIRTEEN

October
Darren

     I am a poor excuse for a human being.

Kenneth doesn't deserve me.

These are the thoughts that linger - after being alone for almost a month - in my mind. Ever since I initiated the break, my emotions have been repressed inside me. As the days go by, the more I'm ready to burst like a balloon. Too much air. Too many thoughts. No therapy. No Kenneth.

Each tally I scratch onto the wall next to my bed marks another day that the two of us have successfully avoided each other. It's getting suffocating.

The first few days were the hardest. I would always see him. It doesn't matter if it was in the hallway in passing, the cafeteria, or during rec time, he was there. Always taunting me, encouraging the guilt to build up in me. I did think it was intentional in the beginning.

Sometimes, on Meditation Mondays, he'd walk around the grassy area, waiting for nothing. Waiting for me? Probably. At this point, I should bite the bullet and talk to him again. My mental health is starting to deteriorate, and it's all my doing.

I still think we need a bit more time before we reconnect. I can see that my attitude has rubbed off on him. He doesn't deserve all of this negativity weighing down on him. I should be his life preserver, not his anchor.

But yet, I can't let go of him. Not like this. He's my only hope of getting out of here. He's my only chance at having true happiness.

I've never been infatuated with someone like this. Just look at me, I can barely stay afloat without him. Who was I before I met the man with baby blues and a habit of his glasses falling down his face? I don't remember pre-asylum Darren.

My usual guard drags me to the cafeteria that smells of mold and patients slowly rotting away. The employees pile my tray with some sort of yellow mush they call "food." Soon after, I find the table I always sit at, alone.

I pull a cigarette and a pack of matches from the pocket of my jumpsuit. Ever since the break began, I've been resorting to smoking. Nicotine has been the one cure to ease my tension. It's become a familiar routine and a bad habit.

As I take a drag, I'm reminded of when Kenneth would slip me a fresh orange or an unopened candy bar underneath the table. Real food. These little gestures are what make me appreciate having him in my life. No other employee cares about us the way that he does. I have to stop taking advantage of the one good person in my life.

I'm starting to regret this break. Kenneth didn't even want this. Do I even want this? Am I too dramatic? Too clingy?

As I'm enjoying my cigarette and avoiding the sun's puke on my plate, I'm interrupted by a man who hovers right over me. His auburn hair and hazel pupils threaten above me. He sports a white, short-sleeved button-up and pants of the same color- a nurse. I don't know who he is exactly, and I don't care to know.

"Mr. Walker?" he coughs. I'm not sure if it's from the smoke or to grab my attention.

I look up, annoyed, "What do you want?"

Before the unknown man replies, he sits down across from me. I never asked him to, but I don't feel up to arguing today. Lucky him.

With a weary smile, he says, "I was informed that you don't need your weekly evaluations."

"Is that a problem?" I raise an eyebrow, blowing smoke in his face. He waves it away.

"Uh n-no, it's not," he dismisses, caught off-guard. "However, you still need to have someone oversee your well-being. Just to make sure you're up to par."