was it ever real?

30. what have you done?

after a productive morning and afternoon of working and letting our hangovers fade away, we left for dad house. dad needed extra help before the rest of our family members come tomorrow. we're helping with preparing the grill, and the food, and cleaning a little.

inside the house, while i'm helping cut the fruit and chatting with jamila, i glance at solana and nano playing. solana grabs nanos ball and throws it down the hall, waiting for him to return with it in his mouth and then drop it to continue the cycle. in between the joy, nano barks with excitement. his back is hunched and his tail is standing up, wagging.

"wow! i'm still excited that my sister's about to make a dress for rihanna. Your dreams are coming true jenny."

"better yet, my daughter is about to meet her idol." dad chuckles a full smile, throwing his arm over my shoulder and hooking me by the neck. "don't you all know that in her teenager years, jenae wouldn't shut up about rihanna? 'used to sing all of her songs loudly in the shower."

"shine bright like a diamond," jamila adds, singing to finish dad's thought for him.

i roll my eyes at them and scuff while sliding the chopped fruits into a bowl to cover. "yea yea, have the both of you had enough fun already?" i playfully suck my teeth, but still smile.

"no-no i remember when me and jenae were dorm roommates."amorah adds into the 'tease jenae game' and sits on the edge of the kitchen chair. "rihanna songs every single day for two years was exhausting."

jamila and dad can't get enough, still laughing and teasing me.

"but seriously coconut, i'm so proud to call you my daughter." dad smiles, kissing me on my cheek and proceeding to smile harder. i peek at jamila's face quickly, and i can see that it stung her. her smile slightly fades and she's silent, returning to drying the dishes.

"so does that mean we get to meet rih rih too? i bet she's just as gorgeous in person," aaron's eyes flutter and his hands clap together in prayer.

"i don't think so, buut i get to," i say, sticking the tip of my tongue out and winking one eye in a teasing way.

we're all laughing and continuing to tease each other but often i peek at vinnie. when our eyes meet, he instantly looks away and acts interested in another person's dialect. it's like he laughs and talks to everyone but me.

i couldn't help but wonder what was the matter.
it's digging into my skin.
what did i do???

whatever it is, i have the find the time to talk to him. what if he's just desperately waiting for us to go home so this whole fake relationship thing is over. or maybe he wants to 'break up' with me?

as the rest of the afternoon goes by and the sun hides away on the other side of the earth, the pre-party in the house doesn't rest. we've finished preparing the food for tomorrow, but now we're just chatting while dad making dinner for tonight. i can already imagine the smell of fresh sweet plantains and curry chicken.

in the meantime, i slip away from the five of them and sneak out on the back porch to smoke a j in private.

some might ask, "well jenae why don't you just do it upstairs, or even inside the house with your dad? you're grown?"

i am grown.
but i think you've forgotten what my father's like.

he's a helicopter parent, and also a very concerned one. if he sees me with a crumb of weed, he'll instantly start crying and ask where he went wrong in life. even if im 24, he'll say it fucks with my lungs and that it isn't good for me.

although, research nowadays, shows more pros than cons. he won't care though. in his mind a j is equivalent to a cigarette. and if he saw me with an actual cigarette....the man might go mental.

i sit on the brick backporch stairs, pondering the world as i roll my joint into perfection. my fingers crease the thin paper to dip with ease. while i fill and form it with the ground-up pieces of weed, i still can't help but wonder what i did to vinnie.

my stomach sinks and turns at the thought of possibly being too pushy or touchy with him. or if i might've said anything i didn't mean to. although the time at the club was fun, maybe he got annoyed at me afterward. i know he hates drinking but i don't know why.

is that why isn't interacting with me?

"men are so confusing," i express, sighing to myself as i rolled the joint into one. finishing it off, my tongue licks the edge of the glued side of the joint, setting the masterpiece off before twisting the end to perfect my joint.

"why're you back here and not inside smoking it?" it's dark out here." vinnie suddenly appears from the backdoor.

"oh my god! were you here the whole time?" i jump at his sudden appearance.

"i just got out here," he slightly chuckles his familiar husky laugh that can instantly spread a contagious smile to your lips.

"oh," my gaze turns downward.

is this the perfect time to talk?

"look, about today-" the both of us speak out, in sync with the same soft tone.

"you can go first," i give him a quick smile.

"jenae," vinnie's head cocks with a focused gaze. "do you remember what happened last night?"

"i was just about to ask you...did i do something?"

"of course not-"

"then why were you so distant and uninterested earlier?" my smile quickly turns into a slight frown.

he sighs, taking that as an invitation to sit beside me, and he passes me his black lighter. his fingers rub the lines forming on his forehead; as he does this, his eyes never leave mine.

"was it because i was too touchy while we were dancing?" i ask to get the sick assumption off of my guts. the blunts bouncing up and down when the other side of my mouth opens as i talk. i try sparking the lighter, but the summer wind's too strong.

"no-"

phew.
wait.

"did i throw up on you?" i gasp and my eyes widen, swallowing hard. "oh my god i threw up on you!?"

"no jenae you didn't throw up on me. i'm just confused, that's all." his stare is blank like he's in his head contemplating something.

"i don't remember what happened last night but if i did anything to upset you i-"

he interrupts me with a harsh exhale and a now focused gaze. "im confused about how i feel about you jenae. and how you feel about me." he hesitantly admits.

oh.