911/911 Lone Star One Shots

I Can't Lose Another Kid

TW: mild suicidal theme

The ride back from the call was silent. Hen, Chim, and Eddie exchanged looks as Buck sat very still, almost afraid to move or make a sound. Bobby was fuming in the front seat, having not said a word to Buck since the incident. Buck's done a lot of stupid things before, but this was not the day for him to test Bobby.

He had run back into a fire after everyone was ordered to evacuate because he had a mere suspicion that someone was still inside. He had no real evidence there was anyone inside, just a feeling. And he was wrong; nobody else was inside but him when the building flashed.

Miraculously, he escaped without more than a few scrapes and bruises. It wasn't the most reckless and borderline suicidal thing Bobby had seen him do, but it was towards the top of the list.

They returned to the station and Bobby slammed his door as he got out of the truck. "Buckley, my office. Now." His voice was dangerously low.

"You're in so much trouble." Chimney teased softly as Bobby stormed upstairs to his office.

"As he should be. What were you thinking?" Hen slapped the back of Buck's head as he hung his gear up.

"There wasn't even anyone else inside, Buck." Eddie shook his head, disappointed in his friend for once again not valuing his own life.

"I- I thought I was doing the right thing." He sighed, not putting up much of a defense before he trudged off towards Bobby's office.

Bobby was waiting by the door, slamming it shut behind Buck. "Sit down." He demanded, going behind his desk and pacing instead of sitting down.

Buck looked down, waiting for the yelling to start. After a moment of silence, he looked up and saw Bobby standing still, staring at him and shaking his head.

"What am I supposed to do?" Bobby asked him, his tone sharp. "You tell me, what am I supposed to do to get through to you?"

"I don't- what?" He looked at him confused, his eyebrows furrowed.

"I've yelled, I've punished you, I've done everything short of suspending or firing you because I know that won't help. So you tell me, what do I do now?" He was still outraged, but he wasn't screaming. His tone was sharp, and that scared Buck more than the typical yelling.

"I- I won't do it again." He tried softly, knowing it wasn't the right thing to say as soon as he said it.

Bobby let out a humorless laugh. "You won't ignore a direct order again? I know that's not true. There wasn't even anyone inside! All you did was- was try to kill yourself! Is that what you're trying to do?!" His voice raised with emotion as he spoke.

"N-no, I don't think so, I-" he started only to be cut off.

"You don't think so?! What does that mean?!" He paced again, looking expectantly to Buck for an answer.

Buck didn't have an answer, he just looked down at his boots.

Bobby's jaw tensed as he waited for him to answer until something snapped inside of him. "Don't you get it?!" He slammed his hand down against the top of his desk, making Buck's head snap up. "I can't lose another kid, Evan! I won't bury another son! You need to stop treating your life like it's not as important as anyone else's because it is! You are one of the most important people in my life and I won't stand by and watch you get yourself killed!"

Buck was shocked, his eyes wide. He bit his lip as he felt it start to tremble. "I'm sorry." He whispered, afraid to speak louder for the fear of his voice breaking.

Bobby took a deep breath, moving to sit in the chair beside Buck. "You matter, Buck. Your life matters. To me, to Athena, to Christopher, to Eddie and Hen and Chim and Maddie and Jee. You're going to get yourself killed if you don't stop taking such unnecessary risks. And we're the ones who are going to suffer."

Buck felt tears sting his eyes and he tried to blink them away, nodding at Bobby's words. Bobby saw him holding back tears and stood up, pulling Buck to his feet and into a hug.

"I love you, kid. I need you alive." He spoke softer this time, feeling Buck start to cry at the words. They stayed like that for a few minutes, Bobby feeling tears on his own face.

Finally, he put his hands on Buck's shoulders and pulled him away just enough to look him in the eyes. "You- you want to be alive, right?"

Buck sniffed and wiped the tears from his face with the back of his hand. "I think so."

"You think so? Buck, what's that mean? That's the second time you've answered like that." The anger was gone from his voice, only concern left.

"I don't know. I don't want to die but I also don't want to live. I'm just in this like numbness and I don't really want anything. I'm just here." He explained, more tears finding their way to his cheeks. "I'm not suicidal and I don't have a plan or anything. I'm just... numb. Saving people makes me feel something, it makes me feel good for a minute."

Bobby felt his heart break at the words. He knew it could be worse, but this was far from ideal. "I wish you would've told someone earlier. You can't use the job as a form of therapy. You need to see Dr. Copeland again, soon."

Buck nodded, once again wiping his tears away. "I know, and-and I will. I'm sorry for today."

"I know. Until I get confirmation from Dr. Copeland that you're doing better, you're by my side on calls." Buck started to argue but Bobby continued. "I know you said you're not suicidal, but this isn't negotiable. I'm not risking your life. Now come help me make dinner."

Buck gave in, knowing he wasn't going to change Bobby's mind. "Okay."