Architect and Mrs Dantata

51: AMAL

Eid without Zayd isn't so fun and I end up spending it with my family. It's shocking to everyone – including myself – that I spend most of the annual Eid party indoors rather than with everyone else. Mahmud, who's used to staying alone inside while everyone has fun outside, looks at me like I've lost it.

I laugh and leave him in his room, going into mine. The door closing behind me mutes the noise and I walk over the bed, falling back with a sigh. Between Ramadan and now, I've noticed a lot of things no one else has. I know I'm still going to pray about it to be sure of what Allah's trying to tell me.

Zayd doesn't talk about adoption anymore. No one else talks about it too. It's very noticeable yet I'm the only one who seems to have taken note. Then there are the scenarios that keep popping up in my head; where I'm having the time of my life with someone who's also taking Dantata as her last time. Each time I pray about it, I have the weirdest dreams which are similar to the scenarios that play out in my head but more realistic. I never see the other woman's face but she's younger than I am. I don't know how I know that but I do. Also, I find it hard to forget how she laughs. It's beautiful and I want to hear it in real life. So far, I've only had one dream where Zayd is with us and while it was nothing short of sweet, it scares me.

If polygamy is what is going to end up coming our way, how is it all going to fall into place? How easily will everyone agree to it? Especially Zayd. Also, what if all of this is in my head? What if I'm overthinking everything which is making me conjure things that aren't there? What if...?

I shut my eyes when the tears surface and my prayer is a whisper past my lips. "Ya Allah, please...Please give us the best and make it easy for us to accept whatever it is. Please, Ya Razaq. I'm sincerely begging you..."

Please...

~*~

There are three pregnancy kits on the vanity. Each one of them has clear double pink lines. It's also the last day of July and Zayd's on his way back from the airport. He's going to be home any moment but I can't bring myself to leave the bathroom.

I should be happy but it's hard when you've had to go through four miscarriages; three of which you knew you were carrying a baby and one you had no idea of until you lost it. I keep staring at the test kits, somewhat numb. Where does this leave us? What will be the aftermath of this one? Will this work? Will this not?

I hear the gates go open but I still don't move. The car drives in and I stay still, unable to look away from the kits in front of me. I don't know how long it takes but eventually the room door opens and I hear Zayd's voice.

"Amal?"

I finally turn away, towards the open bathroom door. "In here."

It doesn't take him long to appear and his smile is so beautiful it brings tears to my eyes. There's a small bouquet of flowers in his hands too. Oh God.

"I saw them at the airport." He tells me, still smiling. "They're fake flowers but they're beautiful and all I could think about was giving them to you. I thought you'd be down but Stephanie said you've been up here since after breakfast." His smile dims. "You good, Amal?"

My vision blurs and I shake my head, my reply a mere whisper. "No."

Worried, he steps into the bathroom and crosses the space between us with the bouquet now at his side in one hand. "What's...?" He's looking over my shoulder now and I know he's seen them; all three of them. "Amal, is that...? Are those...?"

I can't do this. I can't do this all over again. I bury my face in my hands as I start to cry and I hear the bouquet being put away before I'm wrapped in his embrace. He kisses my hair softly. "It's okay, Amal. It's going to be okay."