The Messy Thoughts Of A Blooming Adult.

Topic Fourteen: First Love.

No matter how hard she tries to deny it. No matter how hard she tries to forget about it, it always finds a way back to tug onto the fragile strings of her heart. Her first love. 

She never knew if it was actually love, but she knows that it was appreciation, affection, friendship and wild feelings that kept her up at night, that made her wonder, that got her to act in madness. Young and naïve, she didn't know what to do with those feelings, what to make of those butterflies that only shows when he was near or at the slight mention of his name. 

Young and naïve she didn't know how to control it, and how to act accordingly. She never knew who to talk to about these strange happening and crazy occurrences that she had never witnessed before, the occurrences she now writes about. 

Was it the day they met? Was it the first day she laid eyes on him, that she realized that she is going to be smitten by this guy? Or was it later on as they grew familiar with each other and as she witnessed the different aspects of him? Those are the thoughts that come across her mind whenever the thought of him crosses her mind on the days where his name is brought up, or when she is thinking about the past she sometimes misses or long for, or as she looks through the photographs that held their faces, sometimes in the same frame sometimes in different ones, but both bring her heart the same kind of joy and longing. 

Their meeting was nothing grand or magnificent. It was just of two kids with mad minds and childish hearts seeing one another for the first time and becoming each other's friends out of mere coincidences and circumstances. But she often wonders, was it just her who felt it develop into something more? Was it just her heart that wonders about the what could have been? Would it have been different would she have been more open, more honest or more brave? 

But life goes on, distance forges it's way between people and you soon learn to move on to the next chapter of your life, learning to keep the memories inside, safe and sound filled with love, and wonderful stories, both good and bad, that was shared between two youngsters trying to make their way through life, obstacles and reality. Of two people trying to make sense of their lives.

But she knows some things cannot be forgotten, and some feelings are there to stay, maybe not as before with the wild affection and strange butterflies, but as worry, care and deep respect and happiness for the other. She soon found herself happy to see him happy, sad to see him sad and appreciative of his health and happiness. She found out that no matter how much she tried to forget him, it doesn't quite work that way. Firsts are never forgotten, they nestle themselves inside your heart and you will have to live with them, live and appreciate the feelings you had and learn to love the feelings you have in the present.

And soon she found herself talking to him, smiling over the antiques of his days or grieving about the memory of a lost acquaintance. Because no matter what, your firsts are a part of your youth, a part of a journey they were part of at some point, a part of what was sad, what was beautiful and what was so so. And whether they knew of that deep affection of yours or not. You will always know and live with it, as you move on searching for your happiness with the one you will learn to love and appreciate as much, and so much more as you build a new life together, full of memories of the good and bad, leaving the what could have been behind as you embark on the journey of the last Love.