The Messy Thoughts Of A Blooming Adult.

Topic Eighteen: Worries.

She is not gonna lie. She feels a sense of fulfilment like no other when she relieves someone's pain or worries.
It makes her feel like she accomplished something beautiful and worthwhile. As if with this small act, she made their life a bit easier and bearable.

She likes the idea of giving love and support. And she never once expected something in return. It's her way of loving the other person, and she does not regret her way of love.

But she often wonders if she formulated the habit because she always felt the need to ask for love and support at certain points in her life? Was it because her worries and fears were often dismissed or discarded as trivial or unworthy of addressing?
She is not very sure of why she chose to be the kind of person who loves and supports with no further expectations, but what she knows is that she herself has her her own fears and worries.

Fears and worries she often finds herself fearful of. Her own heart and mind. She has so much worry and pain that her heart often feels like it's gonna burst out of her chest, or her mind is gonna explode with worry or overthinking.

Sometimes, it's because of her own worldly struggles. Other times, it's because of her loved ones and her care and love for them.

But she can not address it. She can not say it or let it out of her system, for it will only be a burden no one else is willing to carry or something that will hunt her forever when they use it against her at the end, like she have seen people do before.

It often feels like she is destined to walk through the troubles of her own self alone while bearing the worries and fears of others. And it scares her.

It is scary for her to think that she might not be able to bear it all, and the sleepless nights with all the crying and fear do not ease the fear. The fear of carrying the world's burden alone to the point of breaking down.

But the thing is, she wants to be her loved ones' support. She wants to listen, help, and offer whatever guidance and support they may need because she loves it. But she can't help that feeling of need. The need to have someone who can listen to her worries without any judgement, who can offer a helping hand, a careful support, and a hopeful presence.

Someone who can make her open up and allow the fears to flow and the heart to become less heavy. For it has never been easy for her to share her struggles, and she doubts it will ever be.