Twelve Days of Spring

Letter To Myself

Hey you, you know who,

Spring is there once again. Isn't it great?

I know we don't see eye to eye most of the time, but still... I'm you, you're me. Shouldn't we get along? Or at least try to be less hostile towards each other?

I've seen the way you look at me in the mirror, your eyes filled with rage, hatred even, but I've also noticed your trembling lips and shaking chest as you try to hold back your tears. 'Cause at the end of the day, it the sadness within that takes over, isn't it?

It's that what's buried underneath all the self doubt, all the if only's, all the why are you so differents and why can't you fit in for onces. It's sadness stemming from helplessness, from not being able to do anything to change.

But, ehm... Have you actually really looked at me? Have you really looked me in the eye?

I might not be who you want to be just yet, but I have grown and changed. I've really changed.

I'm no longer the scared little kid I used to be. I'm no longer the teen who lost all hope and no longer nursed their body, 'cause what for, anyway?. I'm no longer the numb young adult who sought out physical pain to feel alive.

I've grown and changed. I still wear the scars of my past, but I'm no longer scared. I've found my reason to live - or rather she found me - and I now take enough self care breaks to recover and heal, to nurse my wounds. And even though I sometimes get told that I feel too much, I feel again and am happy to feel. It might not always be great, but everything is better than feeling numb. I feel alive once more.

I am alive once more.

So don't beat me up 'cause the lack of sleep is horrible. Don't tear me down 'cause some old demons have popped up again.

Hatred never served anyone. But Love? Sweet Love heals, Love helps you grow, it conquers all.

So don't hate me, love me instead. Give me a hug, a pat on my shoulder and I'll tell you it will all be alright. We got through all the other days, so why should today be any different?

Come here. Let me give you a hug. You've gone through so much, I know, it's too much to bear alone, but you're not alone. I'm here for you. Always and forever, pinky promise.

Let it all out. Cry, scream, feel what you have to feel and then let go off all the hatred, self loathing, self doubt, anger; they don't serve you.

Let them all go, so we can fill your heart with Love once more.

There you go. You're doing great, yeah, you do. You might not yet be there, but I believe in you.

Let's walk this road together. I love you.

- You know who