Died enough for You [Joel Hokka FF] (English)

But here comes the Truth

Since Olli left again it's been about half a day. After Joel woke up in the late afternoon, like I had assumed, and didn't only have a small black-out, Olli offered to drive his friend home and then go home himself again.

Now I'm sitting in my studio again and finish cutting the video just before six at night and who would have guessed it. I'm even pretty happy with what I created. Normally it takes a few days or even weeks until I'm happy with the videos or songs, but it's different with this cover.

I did however take way to many tries to create a good version, like I had known I would from the very start, but as I only worked on the cover for about two and a half weeks and now have a pretty decent version with music video, I'm pretty surprised. Maybe I should have problems in my life more often then I'd somehow get more productive... Eventhough I can also do without it at the same time. And I'd do that with a pleasure. It doesn't have to be like that.

I have decided already that the cover will be uploaded to Spotify at midnight but as I know that I won't have time to tell the others from my little secret project then, I set the premier on YouTube for a quarter past twelve and asked Aleksi if that would be alright for him.

It doesn't even take a second for him to agree with me and wanted to know more about my 'little project' as I had called it, but after keeping it a secret for so long already I also stay mysterious in this chat and don't tell him more than he needs to know. Aleksi quickly sends me the address of the karaoke bar and gives up. My lips stay sealed till tonight.

This entire song should be a surprise. I know that this song speaks to me much more than most other songs do and even if it wasn't on purpose the lyrics kind of fit all too well to this last month. You can read my thoughts describes every single second that I spend with Joel, even if he's completely drunk, he knows exactly what I'm thinking. He only messed up once but he was everywhere except in the moment with his thoughts that day anyway.

But the song also manages to talk about my feelings earlier on already. Pins and needles in my arms 'til you touch me. Now I can feel again. When he get's too close to me I get weak and this weakness makes something in my body crave his touch. The slightest touch would satisfy this need but it's exactly that feeling that I'm fighting again when I get into a situation like that. Maybe a lot isn't clear for me at the moment. My thoughts are a huge chaos right now, do whatever they please, but it's the only reasonable thought I have. If I give in to this feeling, of I don't keep fighting against it, I have given up. Given up against Joel. Then I would give up on everything I have worked for up until now, I would loose against Joel and myself and that isn't allowed to happen.

The part that definitely fit best of all is something that I might have only noticed during my conversation with Olli yesterday. It was always right there infront of my eyes but I never wanted it to be true. I got into something that I wanted to avoid. Joel came into my life again and destroyed my plan to hate him. He managed to change everything that I had sworn myself again and again. I was never able to enforce my priorities. A verse that comes in the chorus, but isn't the one I actually mean. When we saw the shooting star and you kissed me. We weren't being friends.

That moment that was a good few weeks ago by now already doesn't let me go during that verse anymore. Maybe I want to talk myself into it, maybe I just don't want it to be true and therefore keep avoiding it in my head but it stays a fact that always stays in my head. The time that we spent sitting at the pier wasn't like any of the other moments. I had decided to go to the pier, that place was my idea and it was my choice alone to lay my head on his shoulder. There was nothing forcing me in that moment. No manipulation and I also didn't bend myself. I wish it would have been there though because this moment just doesn't leave my thoughts. I innerly hope to find some sign that the action didn't come from me after all. I look for the mistake but can't find any.