Died enough for You [Joel Hokka FF] (English)

I'm not a Quitter, but...

We don't hesitate for long before we carry on with the karaoke because, I quote, 'we want to be done before the sun rises'. Eventhough I have to admit, with the amount of pieces of paper that are in the bowl and multiplying that by seven is pretty many songs and therefore I know that the night is going to be a long one. Let's see when we will be heading to Aleksi's home or if it's better that we all go to our own homes.

The exit round Is still rock songs, but this time it's not songs from a specific band but rather songs, that we heard a lot recently. As Joel pulled the topic it's his turn first aswell and stands up immediately to type in a song.

Je quickly grabs a guitar and then stands infront of the microphone that's been built up. This sight awakens memories in me, how he is standing there, slightly leaned towards the microphone and holding the guitar in his hands. I hadn't seen this for a long time anymore, not even a few minutes ago as he didn't play the guitar there, but right now images that I thought I had banned come up in my head.

"All of you know the song.", he says quietly and that's when the melody starts playing. It doesn't even take a second until we all realise what song he is playing. "You should know I'm only happy when it rains.", he begins the first verse and only looks down at his guitar in that second. In every further line of the lyrics our gazes meet. Only when one of us blinks the eye contact gets lost in the room but in the next line it's back again.

He begins with the second verse and puts down the guitar now. He takes the microphone out of the stand and takes a few steps forward so he's standing at the edge of the front of the stage. The second chorus begins and all of a sudden he jumps backward and starts increasing his rock star performance. That's exactly how you know him on the stage. Full of adrenaline and I know exactly that it won't look any different when the others, including me, are performing.

He crouches on the stage when the bridge comes and looks down. His chaotic looking hair fall forward and next to his face so that we can't see it anymore. "I'm not coming back, but tomorrow's unknown.", his voice is quiet and shivering a little all of a sudden when he lifts his head and pushes his hair back with his right hand. As if he had practiced it a hundred times and memorised it his gaze immediately meets mine. I want to look away when he meets me with that stare but I'm too slow. He forces me to listen to him just with that stare. "I'm used to this pain, but what hurts me the most. Is knowing I'm wrong, when I'm letting you go.", I should hear every single word but I'm not only supposed to hear them, I'm supposed to understand them. I should understand what he means, I should understand what he wants to tell me. The reason that he chose exactly this song and the reason he's looking at me and not anywhere else in the room.

With the second part of the bridge he starts standing up again slowly, this time he puts his microphone back in the stand though and now places both of his hands around his microphone. His gaze stays on me which luckily nobody else notices as I'm still sitting in the middle of the couch. He could also be looking at Aleksi or just into the middle of the room but I myself can't deny, that this eye contact doesn't exist.

In the first moment I still hoped that I was just imagining it. That my mind was just started creating images at that sight and is sunk in memories but his gaze doesn't go away, it stays on me and even when he closes his eyes for a second his gaze stays at one and the same spot.

The last shout In the song gives me goosebumps. A slightly cold shiver runs down my spine and lets me freeze. His words still echo in my head, the lines place themselves in my head as if it were an earworm, but not because of the lyrics or the melody – no – it's the voice and his stare alone that don't let me forget a single word.

He keeps the eye contact for a few seconds, that feel like half an eternity, after the song aswell and when the lights fade fitting to the end of the song his light blue eyes seem to be shining in the darkness.