Died enough for You [Joel Hokka FF] (English)

I'm signing Off

His light blue eyes, the way they are gazing at me and show me a look that I would do anything for to delete it from my head. Not to see him anymore. My sight slowly goes more and more blurry with every tear that forms in my eyes. I try to think clearly somehow, try to breathe properly and keep my tears from rolling down my cheeks.

My gaze stays stuck on Joel's, even when he looks down at his guitar for a second I'm not able to find a moment to avoid the eye contact that builds up again a little while later, but how should I if I'm not defending myself against it. I feel like I'm paralysed, stay sitting at exactly the same spot and don't dare to move even the slightest millimetre.

With his sight that meets mine he begins the second verse: "And it was me, it wasn't you. It's cliché, but it's true. I wasn't thinking how I usually do.", his voice is so weak but to me it still feels like he would be shouting it. As if we were in a little room and he were sitting right infront of me. "And is your momma doing well? Or does she hate me still? But it was hard to watch me put you through hell.", he finishes the second verse and flows into the chorus again.

In the moment that he has to fight against his tears, too, let's me freeze. The only thing he does is look me in the eyes and ang the song to me. This song that hits different all of a sudden. More intimate and at the same time more powerful. The few minutes that of the song feel like hours, hours that feel like a war.

But by the time that the first tear starts making its way down his cheek all of a sudden and he starts singing the bridge my first tear also starts rolling out of my eye. I blink out of reflex which only makes my tears run even faster. "And if you ever hear this. I hope you know that. I'm not proud of who I've been. And if I see you again. I hope you know that. I wish you nothing but the best. And my biggest regret...". It feels like someone would be squeezing my lungs tight the entire time but I'm still fighting to get air.

The constant pressure on my lungs lets it start to burn, makes it hard to breathe. As much as I want to, I try to, I'm not able to breathe correctly. Every time I try it the sight of the blond singer takes my breath away with the way he sings the song. In every second that I inhale my lunges burn and when I exhale there's such a big pressure on them that this also becomes harder.

It's nearly four minutes that I feel alone for, alone with Joel. I just blocked out the others. Don't pay attention to any of them, I only see Joel. The song is like a conversation with the Finn. With every word he pulls strength out of me, it's the feeling that is created that I fight against like I do with the tears. Nothing except for him, who is creating a chaos again, takes away my voice and probably also the strength to do literally anything, fits into my head.

The music fades after another chorus that builds the end of the song and the lighting disappears in the second that the last note goes silent. The normal light reappears again and while I can see a slow and stunned applause in the corner of my eye I just stay sitting frozen in my place. I stay quiet like in a bubble. My gaze is still focused on the stage even after Joel collects himself after a short moment and stands up and steps away from the stage. Now I hear the voices that are reacting surprised to the song in a damp way and barely audible.

I nearly feel deaf as if thick walls were built around me and all the other people on the other side of the walls would have to shout for me to hear the slightest sound they make. It's shock that overcomes me. It's Joel again that manages to confuse my feelings, make me do whatever he wants. He manages to put me out of action again.

Joonas steps onto the stage and begins playing his sing but again I can't figure out which song it is. I'm still caught up in this bubble too much and I'm too weak to escape from it quick enough. His words keep staying in my mind and every time I try to move and get out of this bubble his words and eyes that appear infront of me every time I close my eyes, pull me back in and in a state that I can't defend myself.