Died enough for You [Joel Hokka FF] (English)

I bring the Tissues

My hands run through my hair exhaustingly and once again I take a look around me. Everyone is sleeping no one realized that I woke up which I'm really happy about. I get up from my mattress quietly and make my way to the entrance of the apartment with my phone in my hand. All I need right now is fresh air and some time to think. Calm myself down and review the whole evening.

Quickly I put on my jacket and shoes and take the keys from the shelf. Because I'm just going to be outside for a short time and I'm going to be in the flat again in maybe 20 minutes, I guess no one is going to miss them. In addition to this I really don't want to lock myself out and therefore have to ring the doorbell when I get back and wake everyone up to get back inside.

As careful as I can, I open up the door and close it behind me again. With fast steps, I make my way all the way to the main door and step out of the house. The cold air, that makes me shiver in the first second and runs all over my body in a short moment, comes over me right away. I quickly pull my jacket infront of my body and snuggle my head into it a bit. As fast as the cold came as fast I get used to it and directly feel way better. To make it more comfortable, I sit down on the step that represents the entrance of the house. I lean my arms supporting on my legs, while my gaze wanders up to the sky.

It's not clear how much I'm going to sleep tonight and how much I'm going to ponder isn't either. I managed to recreate the chaos in my head, just with on tiny decision and make it even worse than I thought it could be. Everything in my head revolves around him, every single thought is meant dot the person that I gave what he wanted today even though I didn't want to give him anymore. The thought of the kiss makes me squint my eyes. So much I have abandoned in the second I laid my lips on his and every thought of him lets me see the picture clearly infront of my eyes and makes my lips feel the butterflies again. It was against everything, how was I able to allow it but the even worse question is why it felt so good. Why do I have the desire to feel it again even though I know that it's probably the worst idea that exists.

I know that he is just manipulating me, he places the thoughts in my head, which I don't want to have. I know that he controls me and plays his games with me as if I'm not more than a doll. I know all of this, so why does he give me the feeling that I need him? How does he manage to give me the desire to feel his lips on mine?

Mentally completely done, my hands start running through my hair several times. I'm still not really tired, my eyes just need a little break and must be closed to relax, but in exactly the moment I close my eyes, the pictures come up again and the kiss is right infront of my eyes like a movie in the cinema. I can feel how his soft lips are lying on mine and to be honest, now I know why I'm not tired. Because if I get confronted with his lips, with his touches and the moments I can feel his warm breath on my skin, every time I close my eyes, of course I only think about him and don't fall asleep.

Somehow I try to ban this pictures out of my head, I try to think about something else and try to turn off all of this chaos, but nothing helps. In the end I'm still sitting here with the exact same thoughts and curse myself for my actions.

Not much time has passed by, when I suddenly notice a light behind me. "Are you okay?", his worried voice let's me briefly turn around to the person standing at the door. His long brown hair are a bit messed and his green blue eyes show a huge assignment of tiredness. So I did wake someone up.

Of course I'm not okay, but I don't want to confront him with this that directly especially not because it's about the kiss that I would like to keep a secret. At the same time I don't want to lie right into his worried face, that's why I turn my head away from him and briefly nod.

Not a second later Niko sits down next to me on the step and looks at me. "And why are you out here then? All alone.", he knows that there is something on my mind. "I can't sleep and because of this I went outside. It often helps me to stare in the sky and ponder to get tired faster.", I'm lying because I exactly know that I won't get tired faster if the thoughts don't stop spinning around in my head. "And you?", I try to distract from me. "Well I woke up when you got up." – "Sorry" – "No worries, I hadn't really slept yet. I recognized that you left the apartment and when you weren't back after five minutes I started worrying and followed you.", he explains his actions whereupon I nod. "Are you sure, you're fine? You seem to be somewhere else with you thoughts.", Niko asks once more.