Died enough for You [Joel Hokka FF] (English)

You're Self-destructive

One week has passed. One week of thinking about everything and a week of time that Joel gave me. I was feeling anxious about his reaction, when I told him about it the next day, but he stayed calm, just nodded and said: "Tell me when you are sure about it.". He seemed to be a bit disappointed but still I got confused by his calm and nearly relaxed reaction. In my thoughts I know that he probably wasn't that calm on the inside. He felt anxious about my decision, I saw it in his eyes when they darkened ominously, but still he gave me the time I needed.

Since that day I locked myself out of the social world once again. No contact to anyone, neither to my family nor to any of the guys. Most of the time I was sitting in my apartment but as soon as the evening came, it became a little tradition to go out for a little walk at the shore. It was some kind of relaxing that I just needed.

When I still lived in Germany I have always had a place just for me. Maybe it hadn't got that beautiful view as here in Oulu, but still I loved to just sit on that one tree and watch the sunset. Those days, are moments I need just for me, the days that get out my deepest feelings I just feel rarely and that help me when I have big decisions to make.

The whole last week I completely isolated myself from social media, too. In general I was barely on my phone at all, an exception was Spotify but that's all. I don't know about anything that was going on the past few days, don't know if my cover was liked by my fans or if it got any attention at all. To be honest, I don't care about this because at the moment I have way more important problems.

It's December eighth, Olli's birthday to which I'm invited at six pm. It's nearly half past five by now which means that I'm going to go there in 20, so I'm probably going to be at the bassist's a bit early. Maybe I can still help him with a few things. I'm wearing my black skinny high waist jeans and a red sweatshirt, which I tucked into my trousers a bit. I give my hair a little more volume by combing the roots a few times overhead. My makeup once again is more simple and natural, so you can't really see it, if you don't know it.

At a quarter to six I sit on my couch and am good to go. My gaze hits my phone which is peacefully lying on my coffee table. Last week I put it there at six pm and didn't used it afterwards. To make it a whole week without my phone, I decide not to look at my phone now, only later, when I'm at Olli's. And even if I know that I probably won't look at it that often, when I'm with the boys, I think it's kinda interesting to see how long I'm going to live without my phone.

Exactly at ten to six, I step out of my apartment and look at the little piece of paper, where I have written down Olli's address. Without further problems I manage to get to his apartment in the said five minutes of time, but you have to say that I have a pretty good orientation in this part of the city by now. That's what happen when you go for a walk to the coast and back every day. Plus I have a good orientation sense in general, which makes it easy for me to remember street names.

At the apartment I ring the doorbell and not a second later the door opens. "Hilja! You are early, come on up here.", Olli shouts from the first floor and I'm following his scream upstairs. "Well, I still have to fulfil the cliché of the German girl who's always more than on time.", I laugh into the greeting hug. "Yeah, that's true. That cliché is the one you fulfil every time. Come in. Make yourself a home.", he confirms my statement.

Together, we step inside his apartment, where a huge table with a little buffet is waiting for us. Shocked my mouth nearly falls open, when I see the food and breathe in the delicious scent. When Olli stops next to me, I look at him sceptically. "That wasn't you, right?", I ask him, to which he scratches the back of his head a bit ashamed. "Do I look like it?" – "Why do you think I asked?", I say amused. Suddenly Olli's look becomes disappointed, but I can tell it's acted. "Don't you think I could do this on my own?", he asks disappointed. Without hesitation I shake my head and full of disappointment he lays his hand on his chest to show his emotions even more, as if we are in a comedy show.