CHANGE

THIRTY THREE

LOUIS

"I had sex with a girl".

Louis' heart flinches and he feels sick to his stomach.

Someone else has had Harry. His Harry. But he can't exactly get angry, they haven't been together for years, it's none of his business what Harry has been up to, but why did he lie when Louis asked if he had been with anyone else since their break up.

"Oh, um...okay" Louis pauses for a moment, pulling himself together. "I mean...we haven't been together for a long time H, I guess it's to be expected, you're a handsome guy after all". He laughs sheepishly, trying to hide his jealousy. "So why didn't you tell the truth when I asked if you had been with anybody since-"

"No" Harry interrupts him. "Not since" He blurts out. Tears prick his eyes as he struggles to look at Louis. He needs to do this, he reminds himself. This is his own mistake.

He takes a deep breath and wipes a tear that has managed to make its way down his cheek. "During" he manages.

Louis quirks an eyebrow, slightly confused, but all the same, hurt. "We're not...together Harry...it's okay if you've been with someone recently". 

"No" Harry insists, needing Louis to understand, "In 2015, whilst we were still together...I slept with a girl whilst we were in a relationship".

Harry pauses, taking a minute to breathe and collect his thoughts. He can't even bring himself to look at Louis' face right now.

"I cheated on you, Lou".

At that moment, it's like Louis' whole world collapses, a million emotions rushing through his body and the blood leaving his face.

"W-what" he exhales.

"You- You fucked someone...whilst we were together?" he questions, his voice trailing off at the end. "You cheated?".

Harry nods ashamedly.

Louis stands up before taking a shaky breath, wondering how on earth he's supposed to reply to this.

He shakes his head, refusing to believe it. Harry, his Harry. He wouldn't do this, surely not. Out of everyone in this world, Harry wouldn't betray him. Not after everything Louis went through for him.

"I don't get it" Louis settles on this. "What the fuck happened, w-was I not enough for you? W-were you forced? How?" he questions, begging for an answer as his voice turns to pleading "Harry, please! We were happy together" his voice cracks and his heart races.

Harry runs a stressed hand through his hair and shakes his head. "No, no, none of that, I- I just...I was stupid, I let Simon get to me and- and I went out and found her, in a club".

Harry mentally punches himself as images from that night fleet across his mind. Dancing with her, kissing her, fucking her. What had he been thinking.

"Louis it meant nothing at all I was just-".

"When?" Louis cuts him off, having collected himself a bit more.

"Lou-"

"When" Louis demands, not letting Harry speak.

Harry hangs his head and replies quietly "Two weeks before our break up".

In that moment, it doesn't matter that it's been nearly a decade, Louis is tired of his hope being built up and his heart ripped to shreds. He takes a a breath and calms down before looking Harry dead in the eye.

"I'm going to ask you once, and please don't fight me Harry...I need you to leave".

"Please Lou, If i'm honest I-I can't explain, I can't justify it but" Harry continues to speak but Louis doesn't hear it.

He lets the darkness cloud his mind, take him away from this moment, this heartbreak. His mind won't let him suffer like this again.

"Lou, Louis?" Harry says, reaching a hand over to Louis' shoulder and approaching the older man.

Louis is quick to shrug him off and shake his head.

"I don't want to hear it Harry, leave".

Harry tries to look into Louis' eyes but there's nothing there, no hurt, no sadness, no anger. Just nothing.

Louis watches him leave the apartment, being sure to lock the door after he leaves. He heads straight to his bathroom, his safe place.

A new pack of blades await him, new, sharp, and ready to cut.

This time, he doesn't even feel guilty as he presses the metal into his skin.

He has literally nothing left to lose.

Nothing.