opportunity |H.S|

• thirty four •

going with what I always longed for

feel like a brand new person
______

Dorothea Abram

July 16th

Its been a few days since I'd seen Harry.

I have stared at the little paper with his phone number scribbled across it for longer than I would like to admit but I still have yet to allow myself to use it.

It was given to me as a gesture to let me know if I needed him, he would me there. The thought of it pinches my heart, just knowing I have someone on my side.

The voice still rings inside my head as much as I try to push it away, telling me he only pities me, that Im weak, and that I don't deserve anything other than how I've been treated my whole life.

It's as if I am trying to change the very nature of my being. It feels unnatural, like I am constantly lying to myself when I say I deserve otherwise.

I know it will take time before I can fully conquer those thoughts, but until then all I can do is try my best to ignore them.

So until then I tucked away the little paper in my bottom drawer along with all of the other belongings that remind me of him that I couldn't get myself to go separate ways with after his own departure.

Its mostly on the nights where I find myself at the field when the urge to call him is strong.

Its been hard to be there every since he left as memories of all the days we spent there would only come rushing back. For a long time I had avoided it it.

A place I once loved only hurting me more with what was left behind.

Before, those memories only brought me pain. He left me alone with nothing but the ghost of him and who we were to haunt me.

But now he's here again.

The memories still come rushing back to me but instead of hurting they leave me yearning, wanting to spend time like we used to. The thought lingers in my mind, if I called would he come?

It still feels like he's not really here, as if my mind were playing tricks on me.

Could it be possible to miss someone so much that your own mind takes pity on you, conjuring up the very thing you've wanted just to allow your heart to rest?

But then I remember the way he touched me.

His hands, his lips, his body pressed against mine. Im not sure it would be possible for me to imagine something quite as heavenly for myself. The human mind can only be so giving, that's how I know he must be real.

I spent most of my day at the field today, alone.

A different energy surrounds me when I go at night versus in the day.

At night I like to get away from everything, including myself, but during the day I go to center myself.

During the day I welcome the thoughts in my mind and I filter through every single one of them with my undivided attention. The sun coasting against my skin and the light breeze calming my storm of thoughts.

I stayed until the sun had completely set, allowing my mind to rest before finally heading home.

Father is in his office and Mother in their bedroom paying no attention to my whereabouts as I walk up the stairs to my bedroom.

As soon as I walk in I notice a white garment bag at the foot of my bed with a folded paper on top of it.

I look around, not having expected anything new. Mother would have told me if I were having a new gown delivered and if this were her doing she never leaves them laying around on my bed.