Letters To You

27.

When you look at me, thrill runs through me like the way the fire spreads during an arson, the way it starts to slowly hurt all over during a torture session, just the way fear spreads when you find yourself in the hands of a psychotic killer. Three reasons are enough for a person to regain hope, you gave me millions even before we met, just by your silence. If I bore my soul to you, I was scared of you at first. At first, I thought it was my fear of me not loving them back with the same intensity. Although the true reason is my fear of no one loving me back. Loving someone back equally is a big task. You have to let your most vulnerable side out in harsh light. You have to understand the grief and replay all of the most painful and brutal thoughts and moments. It makes you bear the world, to let others bully you out of your existence.
But it makes you trust that one person with almost sincerity. Hold all of your problems and dark thoughts in front of them and trust them with them. At first, it might seem frightening and scary, but the
relief and happiness after it is immeasurable. Being scared of loving someone is hard. But being scared of love because you know you are not good enough for them is horrible. But you, my love, were there for me. You stayed. You had patience. You held me. You helped me. How did an undeserving person like me find a goddess like you? So much patience, so much love, so much acceptance. I hope the universe allows me to cry in gratitude, smile with trust, and speak love. Believe me, it would be all for you. Even though I might have loved people before, I've never felt this urge to want them to love me back. I love you and want you to love me back. I am getting this courage for the first time, so allow me to love you the way you deserve. You have let me love you. You permitted me to cherish you for a lifetime. Now, my obsession, will you give yourself a chance? Will you let yourself love me back?
I promise to worship the ground you walk on and the air you breathe. When you stare down at death, I'll stand behind you, holding your hand tightly. When we make the seven sins doubt themselves while looking at us, I'll stay by your side, giving them more to be afraid of. Is it so wrong of me to want you? To want our souls to intertwine in an intricate pattern? To want our bodies to fill the gaps between them? To hold you so close that even life does not pass through it? Allow me to hold you, my salvation, I'll never let you go. Is it wrong of me to want you so much? Is it wrong of me to beg you to allow your beautiful, gorgeous, magnificent self to love a lowly, disgraceful mortal like me?