I'm okay (5sos ot4)

12

~(Michael's POV)~

After me and Luke calmed down Ashton, we got stressed. Like really stressed.

Luke tried calling him, but Cal left his phone here. Now he's shaking and crying and hiding in a pillow fort, refusing to let anyone in unless they know the password (apparently it's not 'let me fucking in').

Ashton is scratching her arms, face deep in a pillow, not moving. I try to comfort, but then she starts screaming things like "Calum hates me!" or "Get away, he only likes you and Luke, I'm weird!" or "It's my fault, it's always my fault."

As for me, well, lets just say there's some dents in walls and missing ice cream.

Eventually I stopped my sadness and hide my face into the couch cushions, sobbing and screaming nonsense. Our neighbors must be worried.

"Why the fuck was I born?" I sob. I want to cut so badly, I know Ash does too. She's so good at that, but I'm weak.

I get up still shaking and sobbing to shake and sob in the bathroom.

"I'm sorry" I mutter as I press the blade down.

-------------------------------------------------

Outside in the bed looking at Ashton who won't look at me, but she's not screaming so it's an improvement.

She's a good girl, hasn't been ca- I pick up my phone and clear my throat.

"Hello?"

"There's no news on him."

"You found nothing, that's fucking helpful, well, thank you, I couldn't have done that myself!" I angrily hang up, slamming my phone onto the table, most likely scratching it.

I thread my fingers through my hair and suddenly I'm pulled into a chest.

"It's okay," Ash shushes, "Mikey don't cry."

I can't stop though. I'm weak. I can't help myself so I help others whose life is actually worth the problems.

So I cry, not sob. It's silent. I'm wallowing in self hatred and accepting the hate I receive anytime I open Twitter.

It doesn't feel real most of the time.

Like this life isn't mine and I'm just watching a movie. But I'm not.

I have fans and band mates and money and fame, that I clearly don't deserve and my life is a mess (because of myself). Like a soap opera my nan might watch.

Ashton wipes some tears and holds me close.

She wasn't okay, she still isn't but she's comforting me. I don't deserve her.

I fuck up her pronouns even in my head. I never know what to do when she's angry or tired or sad. She's so perfect and I'm so.... not.

"I'm sorry" I say "I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry." I repeat endlessly.

"You did nothing princess." Ash tells me as she pets my hair.

"I'm sorry." Ash shushes me and I shake my head and stutter out "I lied. I'm sorry. I'm sorry"

I go back to being a broken record and stand up. Guilt ridden.

Ash kisses my shoulder and holds me against her.

"Whatever happened I'll forgive you for it, okay? Kitten, I care for you and Luke and Cal, you do too, so hold on a bit longer, okay? Let's get Cal back and then we can all cuddle in each other's arms." She whispers to me, "Or I'll just have to TICKLE YOU!!!"

And all of a sudden there's fingers prodding at my sides and ribs, and I'm laughing so hard it's difficult to breathe.