Hourglass

IX

[Lan Wangji's POV]

"Don't go.." words that kept my consciousness intact. Words that kept me sane and refused to go along with the reaper.

"Don't go..." The usually sweet voice not filled with sadness. The usual voice filled with laughter now sounded in sorrowful tune along with the strums of the qin.

"Don't leave me..."

I abruptly woke the moment I heard those words. The mournful tone gave me the warmth I used to long for in thirteen years.

"Don't leave me.." how I wished that dream was true. I wished I had stayed in that dream and happily remained in that lively hut—with Wei Ying and A-Yuan by my side.

A tear fell down from my eyes. How I desire for that moment to come.

"Get lost... Lan Wangji..."

Those words gave me despair making me lose all rational thoughts inside my head. I was in grief, now that I am not allowed even a speck of my son. All these years of remaining in the shadow are all shattered in an instant.

I wanted to die.

I've had enough.

And here I am still alive. Still breathing when I was supposed to end with my own blade. The corners of the Jingshi felt even colder seconds by. I couldn't help by cry silently as I stare blankly at the ceiling.

Sometimes, I wish I were a little kid again, with skinned knees or grounded with book are easier to fix than a broken heart.

All while... I realized... I can't take it anymore.

I can write the saddest song of all tonight. To think I don't have them, to feel that I've lost them, to hear the immense night, more immense without them, I can't... I can't shed any tears more than I can.

It hurts so much.

Trying to forget about love is like trying to remember someone you wished you never met. But I can't, I can't do it. I keep remembering all those times.

[I demand the return of my son]

To see Wei Ying broke, to see him no longer smiling, no longer laughing, I knew I broke the moment he broke. And I could only watch him being taken away by his family.

To meet him again during the war, to see him cultivate that heretic path. Asked him to be with me, I wanted to protect him, to make him happy, he left everything behind us, live a life away from the world, and live in a world made only for us.

I realized...

He bears my child. I couldn't be happier than anything. A child! A child with Wei Ying! A child from me and Wei Ying! A family! My family.

I was about to marry him, fulfill his wishes of marriage in red, a donkey and to travel the world.

Not until.

They called me...

That father was dying.

The next moment I knew, I was marrying another other than my Wei Ying. I was doing the three bows with another marrying another. Everything happened so fast, the threats and demands took a toll on me. The frantic violence that kept me from choosing my own.

At the last bow, my eyes met my love.

His eyes were dead, his clothes were tattered, his feet were full with cuts and his face had smudges of blood.

And...

The white bundle in his arms where the cries of a child came from.

I was devastated when I saw his pained expression. I hated myself for betraying him! Hurting him! I want to apologize! But I can't! It was my fault! All my fault because of my cowardice and weakness.

I... Drove him and my son away.

I wasn't even there when they needed me.

And... I realised ..

I... I can't remember when.... I last felt so happy before.

I want to be with my son.

I want to be my love.

I want to be a good father, a good husband.

I want time to turn back.

I want to fix everything I destroyed.

I want to...

I want to...

Be happy.

"Why cry?" My eyes widen at the sudden call.

My eyes moved to my side meeting the silvery orbs of my son.

His hand on top of my hand holding me as he trembled.

"Why did you do it?" He asked.

Why? Can I answer him truthfully? Can I really break the condition's set upon me?

Can I tell him?

"You almost die..." He whispered burying his head on the crook of my neck, "you almost leave me behind..."

His hand clasped mine, I heard small sobs as he curled by my side.

"You almost...."

I could only place my hand on his head and snuggle him close to me.

"I was about to flaunt my guqin composition! But you there slitting your neck!" He cried.

"Why? Why?" He asked, "I can't lose anyone anymore... I am lonely without you!"

Damn you Lan Wangji!

To watch my son crying, to feel his breath near me, and to realized how wrong I was to try and commit suicide.

If I die... he will be lonely! He said it... He'll be lonely without me.

Are you going to leave him again?

Are you going to throw everything away?

You're making them sad again! Hurting them! You're always hurting them. I am always doing it.

"I am sorry..."

I knew asking forgiveness won't cut it.

"Don't... Do this again..." A-Yuan whispered, "if you do..."

Raising from side he sat down beside me, his eyes staring at me.

"I'LL HATE YOU FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE!!!"

Ahhhh...

My child want me by his side.

There's no greater happiness than him wanting me beside him.

"I won't..." Leave you ever again.

"I promised..." Even if I am nothing in your life...

"Better hold your promise! Because I'm going to drag you from the pits of diyu!" He laughed while crying.

"Hm. I will..."

Not again... I'll beg even if would mean I can see your smile.

Even though I cannot give you everything the world has to offer.

I will stay by your side.

Protect you.

Not again, I will hurt you..

...to be continued...