My Jee Journal

4

30-06-2023

Night self:
I went out of station for a few days. And after that, my flow of studying is shaken up a bit. I am not able to concentrate, I've lost motivation, all I want to do is waste time here and there. I didn't have any motivation to write another part and I didn't do a lot anyway so there wasn't really anything to share. But I'll try to share the days when I am losing motivation or feel like just slacking off because everyone has such days.

I still tried to do my holiday homework as I've been keeping it aside for a while. I wrote some experiments but there's still a lot left.

Now I am trying to get back on track. I am thinking of completing Current Electricity through a oneshot not full 12-14 lectures as it's still going one in my classes and I am understanding it quite well so I don't think I need full lectures, a good 3 hour oneshot will do job and help me in grasping concepts even better.

I think I am lagging in maths as application of derivatives is almost over and I still have all the question solving left. I'll try to catch up in this as well.

And in chemistry I don't know much. I am literally not able to understand anything in pblock. Chemistry keeps stressing me no matter how much I try to make it better. I just have so many concepts in backlog that I am not able to understand anything now. And the main problem is even if I understand all the concepts, I am not able to do questions and question solving is the key. I have to work so much on chemistry as it's one of the most scoring subjects.

I get such weird anxiety thinking about all the work I have to cover, that I lose all the motivation. I keep wasting my time, everyone tells me to study but I still don't understand. I literally don't know what to do. It's just nothing that excites me to study, these books, these complicated concepts, nothing makes me want to learn about them. IIT doesn't excite me, Jee doesn't excite me. IIT is everything for students. But it never meant a lot to me, I just see it as the best college out there, nothing more than that.

In school, when exams results were declared I used to score good enough but it was never upto satisfaction. Like I wasn't a topper nor an average, I lay somewhere in between. For example there used to be periodic exams which were out of 40. I never scored full marks in those. Many students scored full atleast once throughout the years but I never did. I know that's not a big deal and I could work hard for it but it was sad that I got marks like 39, 39.5, 38 many times but never hit that 40.
And I am not saying this specifically for these exams, it's just that I never got that topper feeling I always wanted. I was always below that.
And the problem is I know I have the potential to get that but I just don't work hard enough for it, I am still not working hard enough for it.
I want to see that smile on my parents face, that satisfaction from myself, finally feeling that I actually did something extraordinary and something worth.

Now writing all these things I think I got the motivation back😅. So I'll try to get back on track and run fast to achieve the end point.

***My English hasn't been the best in this part and it's a little confusing so please bare with it. I tried my best to express myself. Hope you guys like it and it helps in some way. ***