My Jee Journal

10

01-09-2023

Evening self:
Hey ppl
So it's Friday today and I have a practical in school tomorrow, well more like I was supposed to have a practical but now it's cancelled. I am also having a test tomorrow in my coaching which I was thinking that I would miss because I was supposed to go to school so I was making my practical files since yesterday instead of studying for the test. But now that the practical is cancelled, I am stuck and rethinking my life decisions. What am I supposed to do now 😭

Anyways it feels so weird right now. It feels empty.

When I started writing here I was so pumped and so eager to actually change my routines and  work on my academics. But progressively that spark is just disappearing.

I have literally no urge to study, I am doing the bare minimum everyday to show my parents that I am studying which is absolutely not true and that's eating me inside. It also feels like I am lying here as well, not that I actually lied here but you guys would probably be thinking that I am studying regularly which I am not. I don't even write much progress anymore. Because I am not making any progress. All I am doing is learning what they teach in class maybe do some self practice occasionally, some homework or revising notes, or prepare for the tests coming up every week. That's literally all, there is zero to no self study. My marks are stuck, they are not increasing. Nothing is increasing everything's going down. And the fact that I know self study is needed the most and I am still not doing it is just so disappointing to myself.

I am literally on the urge of giving up but I know I can't because I need to at least score in boards. My parents have spent so much money and I am here wasting it all. It's so hard to always put on the mask of studying when you are actually not doing anything and the guilt just keeps on building up.

The pressure from myself and the guilt is now so much that if someone gave me a choice to give up I wouldn't think for a second. But again that option doesn't exist anymore. I chose this path I have to walk on it.

I have been keeping this all in me for so long I had to let it out. I feel like I'll be just disappointing you guys. I started this for motivating others and me but here I am depressing others and myself. I am not going to stop writing. Maybe I'll find some good strong motivation and start again or maybe I'll find some determination because I lack that  aspect. But I'll try to study more for you people those who read ^⁠_⁠^.

And please forgive me if I let down your expectations, cuz I know I did :⁠-⁠\
But I am going to keep going.
And I know you people have a lot stronger will power than me, you guys can make it.