As You Lay Dying - Alfie Solomons

16

            In an uncharacteristic display of public affection, Alfie held Lily's hand the entire way home. It reassured her that he at least wasn't angry that she had shown up unannounced. But he didn't say anything on his way to the flat. Lily noted how some people stared when Alfie passed by. But they didn't even offer a polite greeting.

His flat was a few doors away from Ollie and Miriam's. It comforted Lily to know he had friends nearby but even then, it seemed he had effectively removed himself from the world. Something he'd done in Margate but it was far more impressive of a feat in London.

Upon opening the door, Lily found the place Alfie had lived in when he was once king of Margate. But despite his return, the place wasn't lived in. There was a thin layer of dust on every surface and the sofa cushions looked untouched.

"My things are at Miriam's with Argos," Lily added, hoping the sheepdog would revive a part of him that seemed to be lost since he left Margate.

Alfie looked uncomfortable even in his own living space. He ran a hand over his mouth. "Can get it all later." He said in a distant voice.

Lily lingered in the foyer by the staircase with a rich mahogany wood banister. "I couldn't live without you, Alfie." She whispered.

"No need to apologize, love." He leaned against the wall; arms crossed over his chest.

"I wasn't apologizing. I was just stating a fact." She maintained.

He cocked an eyebrow. "You want me to apologize then?"

"I didn't say that."

"Hm."

Lily stared at him even though he stared ahead, avoiding her gaze. "I know things have changed between us. You've had to go back to who you were and I know I don't really fit in this life. But..."

Her voice trailed off when Alfie pushed himself off the wall and walked over to her. He traced his knuckles down her cheekbone and jaw. "Lived here for years. When I came back, thought it'd be business as usual, right? But the first night I were here I thought, fuck...it ain't home anymore. Fucking wandered the streets of Camden all night. People thought they were seeing the ghost of ol' Alfie Solomons haunting the town." He swallowed. "Think they were right. Thing 'bout this life is you can't wash it out, can you? Always a part of me but now I'm haunted by what I left behind."

"Alfie..."

"You don't fit here, but I don't fucking care. When I arrived in Margate, didn't feel like a home until you came 'round. Now London don't feel like a home...well it does now."

Lily's lower lip wobbled. "I want to be your safe place, Alfie." She whispered. "I promise I always will be; I don't care where we are or what you're doing."

"It won't be the same." He warned.

"I don't care." She repeated and ran her fingers through his hair. "You look tired."

His head bowed slightly, giving into her touch. His eyes closed. He had to be so vigilant, just like before. But with Lily, he trusted her. "I am tired."

"You should rest." Her hands lowered so she could interlock their fingers. She tugged him toward the stairs.

Alfie wondered if sleep exhaustion had caused him to lose his mind. In a manic state, he must've conjured up Lily. In reality, she was probably still in Margate. His brain would not allow him to accept the truth that she was there to comfort him.