A love lost, A life gained

Solitude or Loneliness

Mahi felt like he was watching his own life from a third eye, like a movie. In his opinion the main lead of this particular movie seemed pretty pathetic. He had thought it was just a temporary thing, the revulsion he had developed towards being alone. It was just one night he had let himself ask Bhai to stay. It was just a couple of days he had decided to sink into their comfort. Just for the tour. He was going to be fine later right?

Wrong.

They landed in Zimbabwe. Yuvi was ecstatic that the grounding was over. Mahi was pretty pleased himself. They had very strictly not allowed him to leave their sight, honestly the return of freedom to be alone was very much welcome. He could worry them a little less now. He could bring himself under control, he had never let his emotions rule him as much as he had the past couple of months. It was with a lot of relief and focus he had walked into his own room in Zimbabwe. He was going to be less bothersome and more in control. They had all had a quickish dinner to depart to bed, the entire travel from Sri Lanka to Zimbabwe had eaten up a good sixteen hours of their day. Mahi was dead on his feet like the others by the time he crashed into the sweet sweet bed. He was out as soon as he touched the mattress.

It did not remain so for long. He did not know what time it was when he sat up with a jerk, breathing heavily, flashes of his nightmare still floating in the corners of his sight. This had been his most violent one till yet. He was very used to dreaming of Priyanka, sometimes they would just be meaningless echoes of their memories, those he classified as good ones. He may wake up sad but it was better than the other times. Those other times his brain would make up screeches of metal, splashes of blood and screams that come from a violent accident. Those were bad ones, he usually woke up dazed, terrified, emotionally overwrought and devastated. He really hated having those, they would unsettle entire days for him.

This time? This time his mind had out done itself. This time though he couldn't remember much of the dream besides petrifying terror, this time his mind had conjured up the image of his love lying broken in the pool of her own blood, staring accusingly at him. She was dead, it felt like his fault. Everything else faded but the vivid image seemed to stare at him from his mind's eye. Out of habit his hand crept towards Dada's side of the bed, his presence had never failed to ground him to reality. Ofcourse he met empty air. Dada was in his own room, like he rightly deserved to have to himself. And Mahi? Mahi was alone, the solitude he was so used to seeking, a thorn in an infected wound.

His first thought was to go to either Dada or Bhai. He got rid of that thought instantly, they were captain and vice captain, already burdened with the future of Indian cricket on their shoulders. He didn't want to disturb their much needed rest. His second thought was to go to just anyone who would let him bunk with them. But he really didn't want to answer any questions or raise a fuss in the morning either when inevitably they would rat him out to Dada.

With a lot of difficulty he forced himself to breathe slowly, there couldn't always be someone holding his hand, no matter how hard he was wishing there was. With trembling hands he poured himself a glass of water. He had promised himself he would be better for them. He choked a little on a too big gulp, his breathing wasn't entirely normal. He was going to better. Hastily putting on his shoes he stumbled out of the room. He just needed some fresh air. As was his habit anywhere he went, Mahi immediately made to the terrace, there was something comforting in the breeze up there, the height of the building freeing him from the shackles of his own mind. To his absolute horror and desperation the terrace wasn't open to guests. Miserably Mahi tried to tug at the door, hoping it would just open somehow. It didn't.

"Please, please, please," he pleaded like an idiot with the locked door. Predictably the door did not answer. Tears which he had held back so painstakingly started leaking out traitorously. He furiously wiped them away. He was fine, he will just go to the gardens instead. There was no need for tears. He swallowed the rocks lining his throat and steadied himself, determinedly walking to the elevator to go downstairs. Everything was just fine.