Just What I Needed

July 1 (Morning)

Dear Nicholas,

Happy Birthday! I don't know how I'm going to make it through today without you.

I received a letter in the mail yesterday from the US Weightlifting Union. I know you probably already know this, but they've invited me to compete at Eastern Regional Championships. I don't know what to do, Nicky. I haven't exactly been training to peak at the end of the summer, I'm basically just trying not to kill myself in the shed. Besides, I don't think I could do it without you by my side... could I?

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I stared at the letter sitting beside the notepad I used to write to Nicholas. The invitation to compete at Regionals indicated that today was the registration deadline to compete. I opened the website on my laptop for the weightlifting union and looked at the registration page. 

I hardly knew what I was doing. I absolutely wasn't ready to compete and yet something was compelling me to fill in the registration form online. I sat there with each of the registration fields completed and hovered my cursor over the Submit button.

Maybe Nicky was pushing me from beyond. I could hear his voice in my head with one of his cliché phrases like, "Nothing great ever happens by doing nothing."

I didn't feel ready to compete but I felt like I needed to do this. I could always withdraw from the competition later. I took a deep breath and submitted the form. The familiar ding rang in my email inbox indicating a new message. Registration confirmed.

I shut my laptop and tucked it under my pillow.

I walked into the kitchen. My father was sitting at the table, reading the newspaper.

"Aren't you supposed to be at work?" I asked.

"Took the day off," he replied, not even looking up from reading.

I waited a beat to see if he was going to follow that up with another statement. He did not.

I wondered if he even remembered what today was. Maybe he would say, "I took the day off...because it's your birthday and we're spending the day together," but the second half of that statement never came.

I debated telling him that I had just registered online for Regional Championships but since he couldn't even bother to look up from his newspaper, I kept the information to myself.

Nate sauntered into the kitchen, his hair still damp from his shower. He smelled really good.

 He picked up his car keys and jingled them in my general direction.

I shook my head no. I still wasn't ready to ride in a car.

He shrugged and walked out the front door. It was a silent, "Your loss."

I grabbed my backpack off the kitchen stool and paused at the backdoor before leaving, hoping that maybe my dad might look up and realize what day it was. He didn't.

Nicky would always have a plan for our birthday, whether we had to work or had sports. Last year, we drove to the Jersey Shore and hung out for the weekend on the beach, walking the boardwalk and screaming until we were hoarse on the amusement park rides.

I found myself wandering aimlessly through the town. 

I could have texted Kari or Holly to see what they were up to today, but I didn't really want to do that either. No doubt they would invite the boys along and by the boys, I mean Scotty.

Instead I sat on a swing in the park, just dangling my feet above the sand, thinking about my mom and Nicky. And my dad. If anyone needed a counsellor about all of this, it was my dad. At least I was showing some emotions. Maybe I was just taking it out on the wrong people.

But my dad... my dad showed NOTHING. He just numbed himself with computer games with random strangers and seemed oblivious to anything going on around him.

I stayed at the park until close to noon when I started to get hungry. I couldn't go to the bowling alley because Barb told me to stay away and I didn't want to face the interrogation she would inevitably give me. I walked back by my house and dad's car was still in the driveway. I wondered if he would even notice if I went in to the kitchen and made myself a snack. He was probably engrossed in a riveting game online.

I walked around the back of the house and peeked in the kitchen. My dad was slumped over his chair, the newspaper still on the table, his cereal bowl still sitting to the side. He had his head in his hands and he was crying. And not just a little sniffle cry but a full-on sob. I wanted to go inside and hug him and tell him not to cry. But I stood there. Frozen. Just staring.

"What are you doing?"

"Good God! Why would you do that?" I turned around to see Nate, standing at the bottom of the stairs of the back porch, still wearing that slanted grin.

I quickly moved out of the sight line of the window in case my dad heard us and pulled Nate into the gym shed.

"Why aren't you working in the bowling alley?" Nate sat on the bench in the shed.

"Because I didn't feel like it today."

"Are you sure it's not because it's your birthday and you were given the day off?" Nate leaned forward toward me. He must have read the shock on my face and he continued. "Some of the girls who were hanging around the field during practice told me it was your birthday. They said you used to always ditch work and do something with your brother. And since your brother isn't around, I wondered what you were doing today without him. I went to the bowling alley and that nice lady Barb told me that she told you not to come in to work today."

"Don't you have a game tonight or something?" I wanted to reply that it wasn't any of his business, but he seemed genuinely concerned and, after our conversation on yesterday, I knew that I couldn't say that to him.

But then, something much worse happened. I cried. I cried in a full-on sob, the way I had just seen my dad doing in the kitchen not five minutes earlier.

In one step forward, Nate covered the ground between us and hugged me.

"He forgot me. He forgot my birthday... It's like I died right along with everyone else in that car."

I grabbed the back of his shirt and pushed my face into his chest. I hadn't hugged someone in so long. Not like this. This was the comfort I had been craving and I wanted to stay here forever. It felt safe.

"It just so happens that we don't have a game today, so I am free until tomorrow at noon," Nate said. When he finally let go, I could feel the cool air where his warm body pulled away. He was a full foot and a half taller than me.

"Come on," Nate started walking out of the shed.

"Where?" I asked, following him. If he was headed to the car, I wasn't going.

But he continued to walk. Out of the backyard. Out of the neighbourhood. And I just followed behind.

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Do you think that Jordan's dad has really forgotten her birthday? 

Where do you think Nate is leading her?

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